Fossilized Erections, Ant Simulators & Weed Inserts: The Dispatch Ep. 13

VOICE OVER: Adrian Sousa
Script Written by Jesse Polowin & Adrian Sousa

Welcome to The Dispatch,'s look at the weirdest and coolest news stories from the previous week of human existence. This week we’re looking at ant simulators, weed revolutionaries and prehistoric erections.

Fossilized Erections, Ant Simulators & Weed Inserts: The Dispatch Ep. 13

Ant simulators, weed revolutionaries and prehistoric erections! Just because you don’t need to know about these stories, doesn’t mean they won’t interest you. Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we bring you the Internet’s weirdest and coolest stories! This week we’re looking at failed ant simulators, insertable weed products and ye olde boners.

#3 Cash For Grass

Between the Apple Watch, drones, hover boards and Teslas, there was no shortage of things to drop big money on in 2015. But for the first time, Americans were shelling out cash for something that didn’t appear in Consumer Report’s annual roundup; Weed! Legal in California, Colorado and Washington state, marijuana sales in 2015 were estimated at a whopping 5.4 billion dollars. According to Euromonitor, the revenue even beats the 4.9 billion spent on Doritos, Cheetos and Funyuns combined. The data does not factor in Mountain Dew, Pizza bites and entire rolls of Pillsbury cookie dough however. Part of this spending is attributed to the vast array of weed products out there; weed candy, weed cookies, weed spray, and weed... vaginal suppositories? Here at the dispatch we don’t shy away from the health benefits of invasive devices. So, we present to you, the FORIA vaginal suppository! If you like getting high and hate period cramps, this brand new cannabis filled capsule is perfect for you. Seriously, what’s next?

#2 Ant Simulator

The year 1998 gave us a great insight into the deep world of bugs. A Bugs Life and Antz were both colorful displays of the micro-worlds of bugs and ants, but it left everyone wanting more. That’s where game programmer Eric Tereshinski came in. Using KickStarter to raise $4500, Tereshinski’s revolutionary video game concept Ant Simulator was well on its way. So when the news surfaced this week that his business partners had spent both the KickStarter donation money and private investor funding on booze and strippers, Tereshinski was beyond disappointed. “I trusted them and they had been my friends for 11 years. That means that resigning, and therefore cancelling the development of Ant Simulator, is the only option available to me right now.” Combined with the disappointment of no longer being able to offer a full featured game showcasing the inner workings and management of a colony from the ant’s perspective, Tereshinski is “very pissed off.” We would be too! Goat Simulator is so passé!

#1 Phallicus Prehistoricus

This week saw the age old question that nobody has EVER asked finally get answered: what does the penis of a Halitherses grimaldii look like? Yes, people, we found a prehistoric bug boner. Ron Clause of the American Museum of Natural History claims that “it must have been in an amorous state to have it out like this.” Poor specimen… As if getting caught like this in public isn’t bad enough, this cousin of today’s daddy long legs had his physical representation of his excited state fossilized for 99 million years! Apparently, the little guy’s member is more than half his body length when erect. Maybe this helped with their love life and explains the longevity of these little survivors, having existed on earth for over 400 million years now? Whatever this means for science - if anything - Someone get John Hammond on the line, tell him we have a GREAT bug specimen preserved for him to hand off to Dr. Henry Wu to do his thing.

So, what dino DNA are they extracting from this sucker?
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