Stripper Fight, Schlong Snips & Brain Hacks: The Dispatch Ep. 21

VOICE OVER: Adrian Sousa
Script Written by Jesse Polowin & Adrian Sousa

Welcome to The Dispatch,'s look at the weirdest and coolest news stories from the previous week of human existence. This week we’re looking at sisterly stripper wars, brainwave apps and schlong snips. Yikes.

Stripper Fight, Schlong Snips & Brain Hacks: The Dispatch Ep. 21

Stripper wars, brain hacks and Wu-Tang Wang! Just because you don’t need to know about these stories, doesn’t mean they won’t interest you. Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we bring you the Internet’s weirdest and coolest stories! This week we’re looking at sisterly stripper wars, brainwave apps and schlong snips. Yikes.

#3: Stripper Wars

According to British pop band Right Said Fred, there’s definitely a threshold for sexiness. But as Deanna Miller of Springfield, Massachusetts expressed, it’s possible to be too sexy for your sister. 28 year old Miller was watching her younger sister dance at the Center Stage Strip Club and was appalled at the level of sexiness her sister was achieving on stage. An expletive filled rant ensued: “ I am going to beat your fucking ass if you dance like that again,” which escalated into a fury of fists between the two siblings. After requiring police intervention, the two are scheduled to appear in court in May to address the sexual surplus exhibited by the younger sister. But, kudos to Deanna for opening the dialogue on hypersexualization in the stripping community!

#2: Brain Hacks

Jelleestone or your high school counselor may have told you that money can’t buy you happiness. While true, this statement has no bearing on chemistry, and that’s kind of the idea behind Harvard-trained neurobiologist Jamie Tyler’s invention. It’s called Thync and it’s used to “activate the natural state of energy or calm” by stimulating the same nerves triggered by neck massages, a splash of cold water on the face or a kiss from that special someone. It’s accompanied by an application that allows you to select between “vibes” depending on your mood. The response from test users was split – two thirds were happy with the performance of the product while the other third reported no noticeable effects at all. So, the verdict on this product is still out, but clearly the technology is evolving. Maybe one day we’ll be able to synthesize the feeling of jumping out of a plane! For now we’ll have to stick to more homegrown solutions.

#1: Wu-Tang Wang

Brace yourself for a lot of Johnson in this one. You heard that one about the girlfriend who cut her cheating boyfriend’s penis off? How about the one where some guy cut his own penis off and jumped out of a window? Now, imagine waking up to a story reporting that you did just that. Well, for former Wu-Tang clang collaborator Marques Johnson aka Andre Roxx, that experience is a reality, and he’s taking TMZ down for it. Two years ago, the paparazzi and pop culture purveyors at TMZ reported that Marques Johnson severed his own penis, and then jumped out a second floor window. However, it was another Wu-Tang affiliate, Andre Johnson, who actually did the deed when he was high on PCP. A classic Johnson switch-em-up! That switch-em-up could be costly though, as Marques Johnson is suing for damages since TMZ and other outlets have to this day failed to correct the story. Wu-Tang Wang ain’t nothin’ to fuck with!

So, what have you been falsely accused of?
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