Top 20 Worst Things Brian Griffin has Ever Done

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#20: Killing Rupert

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“Dog Bites Bear”

When Stewie pays more attention to his teddy bear Rupert than to Brian, it drives the dog crazy. So much so that he chews Rupert to shreds in a drunken fit - causing a major rift between the iconic twosome. Later, Brian admits that he did it on purpose, out of jealousy… hardly a valid excuse for murdering his most prized companion and sole confidant. To Brian’s credit, he does earn Stewie’s trust back by helping him send off the departed bear, and secretly gives his friend a NEW Rupert. But it barely makes up for the dog’s petty behavior over a stuffed toy.

“I Take Thee Quagmire”

Brian’s feelings for Lois are a secret to no one (except her, sometimes), but he usually isn’t as perverted about it as some of her other admirers (ahem, Quagmire). Even so, Brian isn’t above being a scumbag on occasion. When Lois complains about Stewie biting her during feeding, Brian offers to “take a look,” on the basis that he’s seen lots of medical shows. Although he does suggest that Lois begin weaning her infant, he only does so after ogling her for longer than the situation calls for. Brian’s follow-up request takes things over the line even further.

“Brian the Closer”

Even though Quagmire hates Brian’s guts, he takes it upon himself to pay for the dog’s teeth replacement surgery. With a new, dazzling smile, Brian lands a successful job as a real estate agent, and decides to “thank” Quagmire by tricking him into buying horrible, run-down property, then avoiding him so that he can’t get out of his contract. It really says something when you’re more underhanded and malicious than a perverted sex-maniac - especially one that willingly helped you out when no one else bothered. It makes Quagmire’s hatred more sympathetic, and Brian’s comeuppance at the end well-deserved.

“Tiegs for Two”

Speaking of Brian and Quagmire’s feud, it arguably reaches its most petty peak (at least on Brian’s side) after he attends Quagmire’s class on picking up women. After Quagmire’s method proves ineffective on landing a woman Brian’s interested in, Brian decides to use it on one of Quagmire’s own exes, and arguably his true love, real-life model Cheryl Tiegs. Brian being willing to use and mistreat a woman simply out of revenge is not a good look. Though to be fair, Quagmire sinks to a similar level by dating Brian’s air-headed ex, Jillian. Still, Brian didn’t have to go there first. We hope Quagmire hitting him with a car is enough to hammer home the lesson.

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#16: His Affair With Tori

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“Brokeback Swanson”

The only thing sadder than Brian’s writing career is his love life. When he manages to sleep with a pretty dame named Tori… she turns out to be married to a Navy Seal named Vic. Brian pretends to be their new pet dog so that he and Tori can continue their affair, and it seems like the perfect scam… until Vic catches wind that Tori’s cheating and chains Brian outside as a guard dog on the lookout. Thankfully, he never finds out that Brian is the scumbag, and once again, Stewie comes in to save his canine companion… even though he really doesn’t deserve it for going along with this sexcapade.

“Petey IV”

Brian’s terrible behavior with women isn’t exclusive to the women he dates or his family members. When he gets a job at a hotline, he tries flirting with an attractive coworker, Martha. After striking out initially, he Facebook stalks her hoping to get more info on her. Well, that’s his intent, but a photo compels him to do something you really shouldn’t at work. To make matters worse, Martha catches him in the act. Afraid of losing his job, Brian decides to frame her for drug use. And right when she inexplicably decides to give him another chance, Martha is arrested. It’s hard to feel sorry for Brian when she pushes him down the stairs.

“Seahorse Seashell Party”

During a hurricane, the TV goes out, leaving the Griffin family looking for things to do. After they insult Meg, she finally snaps and tells them all off for mistreating her. However, after they begin turning on each other, Meg comes to believe that she acts as a lightning rod for all their dysfunction, and tells Brian that maybe her being blamed for all their problems helps her family. Rather than refute her theory, Brian calls her decision to continue acting as the family punching bag “noble and mature.” In all fairness to Brian though, he’s just coming off a crazy trip and cutting off his own ear, so maybe he’s not in his right mind.

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#13: Cheating on His Fiancée

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“Brian's Got a Brand New Bag”

Even when Brian takes a few steps forward in the dating world, he usually takes a few dozen backwards. Brian dates an older woman named Rita, and they really hit it off. Despite being mocked by his family, he ends up proposing to her. However, after Rita injures her hip, Brian is put off by how much care Rita requires. He ends up hooking up with a girl he picks up in a bar. While he does own up to it, Rita sees through his rationalizations and breaks up with him. Brian may play at being mature, but at the end of the day, he’s both literally and figuratively a dog.

Various

Brian presents himself as one of the most progressive people… uh, animals, in Quahog. But he has some rather backwards racial opinions that slip out on occasion. Easily his most blatant is a joke he makes in a tweet that sees him become the town pariah and have to move out… that happens in multiple episodes, by the way. Then there’s his barking at the family’s music manager or when his racist views on black men crop up in a conversation with Stewie, both of which he blames on his father’s influence. Brian also reacts negatively when Stewie jokes that he might be part black. Many people have preconceptions they need to work on but, Brian seems like he needs more work than most.

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#11: Being a Bad Father

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“Brian's a Bad Father”

In the appropriately titled episode “Brian’s a Bad Father,” Brian does very little to be a part of his estranged son Dylan’s life… until he learns that Dylan has a successful career on the Disney Channel. Unsurprisingly, Brian exploits Dylan’s connections to land himself a job on the show, makes all kinds of arrogant changes… and steals all the craft services food. Clearly, the episode’s title was being too generous, as Brian is barely a father at all – distancing himself from his own child until it seems like he can use him to further his writing career - which, let’s be real, is going nowhere fast.

“Scammed Yankees”

We’ve established how scummy Brian can be towards women, but most of the time he confines his behavior towards adult women. In one episode, Brian finds himself obsessed with Meg’s friend Patty after seeing her changing. He hits on her constantly, going out of his way to “bump into” Meg’s friends and even taking Patty out on a date. Thankfully, Brian doesn’t get his wish, thanks to Meg’s intervention (and a wish upon a star). Granted, Patty is eighteen, and technically an adult, but she’s in high school! She may be older than Brian, since he’s a dog, but society considers him more of an adult than her, so it’s still creepy.

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#9: His Literal Blind Date

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“The Blind Side”

In yet another ongoing chapter of Brian’s failed love life, he hits it off with a blind woman named Kate. Unfortunately, and hilariously, she hates dogs, so Brian bends over backwards to hide what he really is, while also impressing her with fake feats during their dates. The ruse almost works… until he meets her parents - who have perfect vision - and is found out as both a dog and a liar. This could’ve been a good learning experience about honesty… if Brian didn’t decide in the end to trick her with a fake voice, once again exploiting her blindness and learning absolutely nothing.

“Dead Dog Walking”

In a two-part episode, Brian gets married to Jess, a woman with cancer. However, after her cancer is cured, Brian is less than enthused. Jess gains weight due to overeating now that she can stomach more food. While she’s stuffing her face at a restaurant, she starts choking. Brian doesn’t understand what’s happening at first, but when he does finally realize, he delays calling for help so long that Jess dies… until the funeral. Brian later admits that he viewed letting her die as the only way out of their marriage. Jess also proves willing to have him killed, but it doesn’t make Brian’s potential manslaughter by inaction any less terrible.

“Herpe the Love Sore”

Stewie and Brian are the show’s most developed duo. Stewie decides to cement that bond by performing a blood ritual with the dog. Brian agrees, only for Stewie to wake up with herpes… thanks to his so-called “blood brother.” Out of all the horrible things Brian has done to Stewie – belittling his creativity out of jealousy, treating him like dirt, or frightening him for fun - this is the most underhanded. He knew he was infected, but swapped blood with Stewie anyway. It turns out that he also gave Chris herpes, making him a repeat offender.

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#6: Going After Lois

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“Play It Again, Brian”

Even before this episode, we’ve seen that Brian harbors romantic feelings for Lois - but he usually keeps it under control for the sake of his friendship with Peter. However, when Lois and Peter’s relationship is on the rocks, she and Brian start growing a little closer. It seems sweet… until Brian loses control and tries to force himself onto Lois. Thankfully, Lois is able to push him off before the situation can escalate, and he deeply regrets his actions, but that hardly changes the fact that he made a move on his best friend’s wife, and worse, didn’t take “no” for an answer. And we thought Quagmire was bad!

“Be Careful What You Fish For”

When Brian finds out that Stewie attends a rundown, unsafe daycare, he goes to give the negligent teacher a piece of his mind. Until he sees how attractive she is. He then spends the rest of the episode ignoring Stewie’s suffering and focusing on scoring a date with the teacher. In fact, he even goes so far as to keep Stewie from ratting her out after she dislocates his shoulder. Brian calls the police on her only after he finds out she has a boyfriend. So basically, he only does the right thing when he knows he can’t get what he wants. Why are he and Stewie friends again?

“Into Fat Air”

When the Griffins decide to climb Mount Everest, things are bound to go wrong, but they really go sideways. Not only do the smug Fishman family get there ahead of them, but the Griffins also get trapped in a snowstorm and run out of food (thanks, Peter). When they come across the dead body of the Fishman son, Ben, Brian suggests the extreme - that they eat him. Sure, it’s an extreme set of circumstances, and it’s hard to judge anyone who’s been that hungry and desperate. But on the other hand, it’s disturbingly easy for Brian to suggest this. Granted, it’s not technically cannibalism for him! On the other other hand…

“The Woof of Wall Street”

Now we can feel you wondering, “do they mean a protein shake for dogs?” No. After Stewie and Brian begin investing in the stock market together, it goes to Brian’s head. When he shows Stewie a shady new investment involving protein shakes, they discover that they’re made from dogs. While he’s naturally horrified, Brian is undeterred and willing to go forward with it as long as he makes money. He only seems to learn his lesson after he’s caged himself, and Stewie rescues him. If it takes almost being killed and eaten to realize that profiting off the consumption of your kind is bad, it’s not the greed that’s wrong, it’s you, Brian.

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#2: Shooting a Waiter

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“Leggo My Meg-O”

While on a rescue mission, Stewie gives Brian a gun and silencer to defend himself against a gang of kidnappers. While reluctant at first, Brian starts having a little too much fun with his firearm, comparing it to a video game. He manages to gun down a few grunts… and then shoots a waiter on another boat for literally NO reason other than to show off. It’s especially terrible with that cocky smile on his face as he pulls the trigger. And it was especially dumb since it was his last bullet, leaving him defenseless against the bad guys. Bad shooting, Tex.

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#1: His Act of “Heroism”

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“American Gigg-olo”

Brian’s definition of “heroism” . . . needs some work. As he explains how he got a hernia while performing an act of “incredible heroism,” we see him trying to rescue a pretty woman from drowning in her car. However, the minute the woman mentions she has a baby with her, Brian “accidentally” lets her car roll into the ocean - leaving the lady and her child to drown to death. While Brian was once considered the book smart voice of reason, he often seems to have devolved into a pretentious and selfish character with only his own interests at heart. Even when there are lives at stake! If that’s not despicable, then we’re not sure what is.