Top 20 Savage Stewie Griffin Insults
#20: Guess What?
“And the Wiener Is…” Meg Griffin is an easy target, given how much the family picks on her, but she also makes it even easier by setting them up for jokes. When she arrives with news that she’s made the flag squad, Meg invites them to guess what she is. Stewie’s suggestion that her existence is due to a broken piece of rubber may go unnoticed by the family, but it has us wincing at its savagery. His follow-up burn about Meg’s luck with boys may not quite reach the heights (or depths) of his first insult, but at least Brian appreciates it.
#19: “Funny” Waiter
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“Space Cadet” In typical “Family Guy” fashion, Chris going to space camp somehow ends up with the entire Griffin family getting launched into space. As Peter reveals what he’ll miss about life on Earth, Stewie shares what he won’t miss - waiters who try to be funny. A cutaway gag shows Stewie ordering a salad with no onions, which the waiter agreeably makes a corny joke about. Stewie replies with a threat to the man’s livelihood in the event he gives him onions. We understand Stewie’s sentiment, but his remarks might make the waiter inclined to replace those onions with saliva.
#18: Hotdog
“Petarded” Peter being a moron isn’t news to anyone, but in this episode, he’s found to have an intellectual disability - although they use some slightly more outdated language to discuss it in the show. And after he pours hot grease all over Lois, child protective services take the Griffin children away to live with Cleveland. Rather than show he’s a fit parent like Brian suggests, Peter hatches a scheme to show that Cleveland is unfit - by bringing seven sex workers to Cleveland’s house. Although Cleveland and child services object, the latter more than the former, Stewie’s jab at one of the older ladies of the night is downright vicious!
#17: Rupert’s Nicknames
“Dog Bites Bear” After Brian tears up Stewie’s teddy bear, Rupert, Stewie resolves to scatter his stuffed friend’s ashes from a mountaintop. Brian tags along to watch out for him, and an argument ensues, leading to Stewie falling and being unable to walk. Brian builds Stewie a stretcher and carries him the rest of the way, despite Stewie hurling insults at him the entire time. Some of these include nicknames that “Rupert” had for Brian, usually a play on famous dogs. To throw some of our own into the ring: “Wishstoned,” “Old Smeller,” “Air Dud,” “Booze Clues,” and “Marley and Anyone but Me.”
#16: Gavin
“Stewie Goes for a Drive” Stewie doesn’t have many friends his own age. And if this interaction is any indication, it’s pretty clear why! Brian goes to pick Stewie up at a playdate, and we see Stewie simply sitting with the other boy, Gavin. By all indications, Stewie has spent the entire time insulting everything about the kid, from his name to his house! And yet, despite that apparent animosity, Stewie seems to have enjoyed his playdate. Then again, if this whole list is any indication, Stewie’s favorite pastime seems to be lambasting everyone around him, so maybe it’s not so strange.
#15: Game Over
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“You May Now Kiss the... Uh... Guy Who Receives” When Brian’s cousin Jasper comes to visit, the family goes to dinner with him and his partner, Ricardo. During the meal, Stewie repeatedly expresses derision for Jasper’s stereotypical mannerisms, although Jasper doesn’t seem to mind, even dancing to the beat of Stewie’s mock club noises. But his most cutting remark is reserved for Meg again. Jasper announces that he and Ricardo are getting married. This prompts Stewie to remark on Meg’s poor chances with men, which he sees as basically zero now that men can marry each other. In the immortal words of Bill Paxton: “Game over, man!”
#14: A Little Old
Top 10 Savage Stewie Griffin Insults
“Road to Rhode Island” Stewie and Brian’s road trip episodes are a frequent highlight of the series, and the very first offers an excellent insult from the former. After staying with his grandparents at their summer home in California, Stewie gets picked up by Brian. At the airport, Brian leaves to get smashed at the bar, leaving Stewie alone. Stewie is approached by a man who’s concerned that he’s too young to be traveling alone. But Stewie rebukes him with a comment on the man’s choice in mouthwear. Don’t talk to strangers, kids! And, adults, don’t talk to Stewie!
#13: Cake
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“Peter-assment” Stewie is a talented singer and performer, as evidenced by the numerous musical numbers he’s been a part of. However, his first theatrical performance in preschool is something of a disaster - and not just because of its subject matter - if you don’t know who Terri Schiavo was, look her up. When it’s Stewie’s turn to go onstage, he gets stage fright and bursts into tears. It’s clearly a traumatic experience for him, yet Brian is a jerk about it afterwards. Stewie’s promise to celebrate Brian’s death is as morbid as it is lethal.
#12: Hatless
“8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter” When Stewie gets a new babysitter LaDawn, he’s instantly smitten. However, he’s outraged when she comes over with her boyfriend, Jeremy. When LaDawn decides to put him to bed, Stewie steals Jeremy’s hat and proceeds to go on an extended rant on the frat boys that Jeremy reminds him of. The rant references everything from Teva sandals to Taco Bell to “The Simpsons” song “Mr. Plow.” The tirade is so rapid-fire and entertaining that we’re won over, even if LaDawn isn’t. Plus, it’s almost as deadly as what Stewie ends up doing to Jeremy. Almost.
#11: Seth Green
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“It’s A Trap!” In this very special episode, Peter retells the story of “Return of the Jedi.” This version has Stewie playing Darth Vader, Chris as Luke, and their grandpa Carter as the Emperor. The Emperor taunts Chris “Skywalker” by bringing up his voice actor, Seth Green, deriding his movie career to unleash his inner hatred. Later, during Chris’s duel with Stewie “Vader,” Stewie brings up Green again. He also ridicules Green’s career, particularly his supposedly low standards for projects, like the film “Sex Drive.” Well, to be fair… when was the last time you thought about that one?
#10: Fashion Advice
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“Bri, Robot” Brian’s birthday, besides consisting of some incredibly bizarre gifts, also leaves the dog thinking about his own mortality and his legacy. To help out his friend, Stewie offers to help him write his biography, citing his previous experience helping Cleveland with his wardrobe as proof of his qualification. A cutaway reveals that Stewie makes a remark to the Griffin family friend about the skinny jeans he’s wearing not being for him, despite Stewie’s love for him. This is soon followed up by Stewie immediately shooting down their neighbor Joe’s attempt to pull off a vest with no shirt. Can we really believe Stewie’s a fashion expert? He wears one outfit all the time…
#9: Lies
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“I Take Thee Quagmire” An attempt by Lois to wean Stewie off breast milk naturally leads to disastrous results. Stewie finds milk from a bottle disgusting compared to the real thing. He gets so desperate that while at the park, he uses a swing to launch himself at a breastfeeding woman, knocking her child out of the way to take their place. Although Stewie is quickly pulled off her, he throws a parting insult at the woman, telling her that her breast implants are not boobs at all – they’re lies! When an infant can tell the difference, you know you haven’t gotten your money’s worth.
#8: Accept It
“Bigfat” A trip to Canada for Peter and the boys leads to a plane crash after Peter’s antics go too far. After being separated from Quagmire and Joe, Peter must survive in the wild for months, leading to him becoming feral and wild. After returning home, Peter goes through the family’s garbage bins like a raccoon and Lois chases him away from them, only to wonder aloud who threw her sequined top in the trash. Stewie then shouts from off-screen that she should accept that she’s forty-three years old, with the obvious implication being that she can no longer pull off dressing like a younger woman.
#7: You Albino Gorilla
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“Secondhand Spoke” Stewie’s older brother Chris isn’t exactly the sharpest bulb in the box, with only Peter on a bad day coming close to his level of dopiness. So when Chris finds himself outwitted by bullies, Stewie takes an interest. The baby offers Chris to teach him how to deliver better insults. Even so, Chris’s hypothetical jab at Stewie prompts a lightning-fast barb in response, in which Stewie calls Chris an albino gorilla and tells him to have another donut. Even when it’s just conjectural, Stewie does not hold anything back!
#6: How to Eat Healthy
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“Run, Chris, Run” Far from the most popular kid at school, Chris somehow manages to become homecoming king. However, unbeknownst to him, his victory was only because his classmates voted for him out of pity or for a laugh. Despite Stewie and Brian trying to keep it a secret to spare Chris’s feelings, his arrogant attitude gets on their nerves immediately. After Chris declares he’ll be taking things from Stewie’s room, Stewie calls out that there’s a book on how to eat healthy that he can take, while also calling him a harsh word. It’s a burn with a side of concern. A concern-burn if you will...
#5: White Trash Hen
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“Family Guy Viewer Mail #2” Everyone’s the hero of their own story... or at least they should be. A short, entitled “Point of Stew,” follows a day in the life of Stewie, with the camera acting as his point of view. And right from the moment he wakes up, the baby is delivering burns. When his mother changes his diaper and finds a dime, Stewie responds to her scolding by telling her to wipe it off and put it in her purse like the white trash hen she is. He then follows this up by pulling her hair and whispering that when he grows up he will never visit her and that she’ll be nothing to him. Real…but dark…
#4: McConaughey
“The Former Life of Brian” “Family Guy” has not been kind to actor Matthew McConaughey and this cutaway gag of Stewie insulting him is especially cutting, and funny. Stewie repeatedly insults and berates McConaughey for being a terrible actor. But while Stewie’s barbs that the actor is “just the worst” and his wish that McConaughey would “get a heart attack” are hilarious, even funnier is the fact that McConaughey’s famously chill demeanor remains throughout, and he even agrees with Stewie that his movies are terrible. The kicker is that Stewie’s last and most outlandish claim causes McConaughey to assert that nobody can prove it. We certainly wouldn’t want any video evidence.
#3: Felix Ungar-ish
“Petarded” The biggest target of ridicule on the show is easily the eldest Griffin child, Meg, and Stewie does not abstain from the tidal wave of mockery delivered at his sister. After Peter is revealed to have an intellectual disability, Meg worries that this revelation will ruin her prospects for popularity at school. However, Stewie shoots this down as a possibility; sarcastically citing her numerous failings, including comparing the way she clears her sinuses to Felix Ungar from “The Odd Couple.” He rounds it out by claiming he might kill her later. Sarcasm and death threats – quite the summation of Stewie’s character no?
#2: Brian’s Novel
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“Brian the Bachelor” This is easily one of the most famous Stewie insults and it’s not hard to see why. During an episode where Brian appears on the TV show “The Bachelor,” Stewie asks him several times about a novel Brian has been working on for years, sarcastically prodding him about its lack of progress while breaking down the structure of most stories as his voice gets higher and higher over time. Although the gag does run a bit long, this undeniably helps it be so memorable, and, we would argue, helps make it funnier.
#1: Like a Knife
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“Brian’s Play” Stewie’s insults about Brian’s creative efforts are some of the show’s best and this is one of the funniest and the most… “cutting.” After Brian writes a play that proves a local hit, the success naturally goes to his head. However, when Stewie asks him to read his own play, Brian is dismayed to learn that it’s much better than his. After going so far as to bury the play in the backyard, Stewie confronts him, lambasting Brian and his play for being mediocre and full of tired clichés and bad jokes. He then drives it home by suggesting that every person who laughs at Brian’s terrible play should pierce his heart like a knife. Ouch!
