Top 10 Worst Apps Ever Made

There’s nothing quite like an app that is used for something you can clearly figure out for yourself. Not Hotdog is an app that tells you whether or not something is a hot dog. Yep. That's it. Put a hot dog in front of the camera, and it confirms that it’s a hot dog. Put a mug in front of it, and you will see that no, that mug is not a hot dog. Granted, this app is meant as a joke, as it’s based on the one created in the HBO show “Silicon Valley,” but still, the novelty has to wear off pretty darned fast.

Here’s a tip: if you absolutely have to download a dating app, maybe try Tinder instead? This game is a sex-based app that allows you to have virtual lovemaking via your phone. First, you are given a choice between characters, including hot blondes and Homer Simpson. You and a friend then tap your phones together to commence virtual intercourse, complete with noises that are sure to earn you a few stares from the rest of the people on the bus. That’s about it. We really don’t know what the point of this app is, aside from the novelty of pretending your phones are having doing it.

If you have to pay $1,000 for an app then it had better be a damn good app. This wasn’t. I Am Rich was meant as nothing but a status symbol. You paid $$999.99 and were given the app, which simply displayed a red jewel on the screen, complete with a hilariously lame and misspelled mantra. Amazingly, eight people bought the app – although some thought it was a joke and were reimbursed – and the app netted creator Armin Heinrich a profit of nearly $6,000. Not surprisingly, the app was quickly taken down, with many people labelling it as a poorly-veiled scam.

Some people like to take pictures of their travels and exploits. Others like to collect postcards or other mementos from their journey. And then, there are those that like to track... their dumps, in other words, this is the entire point of Places I’ve Pooped. Yes, the Places I’ve Pooped app literally tracks! ... the places!... you’ve pooped! You can drop a pin on the virtual map to claim your territory, and you can receive notifications when your friends drop a deuce too... because that’s something we all want. You can then compare your poop journey with your friends’, you know, if you’re into that.

This is a Japanese app that provides your phone with a virtual girl who talks to and stares at you throughout the day. That’s about it. It’s meant to provide company, and it asks you various questions as the day progresses, like, “Have you eaten?” It can also just stare at you while it says creepy things like, “Watching you makes me happy.” The app was created by Japanese comedian Kendo Kobayashi, so it was meant as a joke, but it still brings up all sorts of implications, especially when you consider the fact that the girl takes photos of you, which are supposedly not uploaded online.

We don’t know why you would ever need this app, short of being kept prisoner in a dank and dark bunker somewhere - though in those circumstances, whether you would even have a phone seems questionable. And then, would you even have reception if you did? Back to this app, there is no twist: Is It Dark Outside tells you whether or not it is dark outside. Yep, it seems too ridiculous to be true, but it is. It also tells you the times of sunrise and sunset, but that’s nothing your weather app can’t do. Why not just look out a window, or, we guess, call someone near a window?

These two apps for iOS and Android, respectively, claim to use some kind of funky analysis to gauge your skills at kissing and give you tips to improve your game. Yes, this means that you have to get intimate with your phone - apparently. The iFrenchKiss description page states: “To use the app, you will need to kiss your iPhone/iPod. Use common sense and do not slobber all over the device,” while a comment from the developers of Give a Kiss writes, “Do not treat result acquired in app seriously. Application purpose is to make jokes and play.” Regardless of these ‘warnings,’ we can’t help but worry that these apps have either gotten people really sick due to their unhygienic nature and/or given people not so great romantic advice.

The name S.M.T.H. or Send Me to Heaven, may invoke pure and angelic images, but it is actually one of the dumbest things you could do with a phone. The entire concept of Send Me to Heaven is to throw your phone as high as you can. The phone tracks how high it has been thrown, and it logs the results into a leader board so you can compare yourself with friends and other not too bright app users from around the world. You shouldn't need us to tell you why throwing your phone twenty feet into the air isn't a great idea.

Where to start... Well, this application allows men to track the menstrual cycles of their girlfriend to know when they’re on their period and thus when it's safe to get busy. It sounds like just another fertility tracker, but it gets worse: it actually allows you to track multiple women simultaneously. But wait, it gets even worse. The app allows you ro set a personal password FOR EACH WOMAN, so if your girlfriend discovers the app and makes you enter the password, the app will only show her cycle so she is none the wiser. This is some douchebag 101 stuff right here.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few dishonorable mentions.

iBeer

The Electric Razor Simulator

Pimple Popper

Will You Marry Me?

Yo.

Remember that “Black Mirror” episode about the system that allows people to rate other people? Remember how the show satirized the concept and showed us how it was a horrible, horrible idea? Yeah, that app actually exists. Described as “Yelp for people,” Peeple drew an enormous amount of controversy, as critics believed that it would promote cyberbullying. The version that now exists is much tamer, as it removed the star-rating system and allows subjects to screen their reviews for negative comments. Or as co-developer Julia Cordray put it, it’s “great for anyone who needs to display their reputation for others.” We’ll let you decide.