Top 10 Movie & TV Musicals We Wish Existed
#10: “Freud! The Musical” “Friends” (1994-2004)
Joey Tribbiani has had some truly bizarre and awful roles as a struggling actor, but one of his more memorably terrible parts is as Sigmund Freud, the controversial, revolutionary Austrian psychoanalyst. While not much of the plot is known, the fact that the show apparently involves a number in which Freud tells his female patient she has penis envy, should give some indication as to the quality and content of the songs. Despite his friends understandably finding the whole thing awful, actor Matt LeBlanc can still remember his songs after over 20 years, so we think it still has a kind of “so bad it's good” appeal.
#9: “Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, or So Help Me” “Monsters, Inc.” (2001)
Possibly the only fictional musical on our list to have been created by accident, “Put That Thing Back Where It Came From, Or So Help Me” is so named because it’s what cycloptic monster Mike Wazowski yells at his partner James “Sulley” Sullivan when the pair of them try to return a human child who accidentally returned to their world with them. Mike’s attempt to cover what they’re doing leads him to spontaneously invent a musical, which they end up putting on at the end of the film; summarizing its events - albeit featuring Mike more heavily, since he created it. The musical numbers are actually pretty good, and with a better budget, it could really be something special.
#8: “Twinkle Towne” “High School Musical” (2006)
It can be hard to remember sometimes, but there is an actual musical being put on during “High School Musical,” and it’s called “Twinkle Towne” of all things. Precious little about the plot is revealed and the songs “from” “Twinkle Towne” are pretty generic, but it does star two friends named Arnold and Minnie who become romantically involved and possibly get into show business? There are also two characters named Johnny Omni and “The Incredible Mr. Schain.” Plus the set dressing includes a huge crescent moon, a cartoonish tree, and someone playing a camel! “Twinkle Towne” sounds completely bizarre, although, given that it was composed by a teenage girl, we’re not surprised.
#7: “The Rural Juror” “30 Rock” (2006-13)
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An adaptation of a book by John Grisham’s fictitious brother Kevin, “The Rural Juror” features some kind of legal plot similar to his more famous brother’s work, albeit with songs - at least it does once it’s adapted into a musical starring Jenna Maroney. Besides having a title people have trouble pronouncing and understanding, its only known song is also similarly difficult to decipher, featuring a ton of words with the “ur” sound strung together into one tongue-twisting mess that we’re impressed Jane Krakowski was able to memorize, much less sing it. If the rest of the play is as deft with words, we’d buy a ticket. Oh, and according to Urban Dictionary, that’s not the proper use of the word “flerm.” Gross!
#6: “Songbird!” “Death Becomes Her” (1992)
While this campy, macabre film is slated to be adapted into a stage musical (starring Kristin Chenoweth no less!), we’d also be interested in seeing a stage version of the musicals within the movie. “Death Becomes Her” stars two aging women, one of whom, Broadway actress Madeline, opens the film starring in a musical adaptation of Tennessee Williams’ “Sweet Bird of Youth,” titled “Songbird!” While we only see one number from the play and it drives plenty of people in the audience to leave or fall asleep, we’re of the opinion that the play still shows potential.
#5: “A Taste for Love” “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (2008)
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It’s a Dracula musical with puppets! Why hasn’t this been made already?! Okay, okay, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Peter Bretter is a musician who see his relationship with the titular actress end and whose attempts to get over her in Hawaii prove difficult. While there he bonds with Rachel, a hotel concierge, with whom he shares his idea for a Dracula musical. Although he first treats the material seriously, by the film’s end, Peter manages to produce the play as a melodramatic, romantic comedy rock-opera with puppets. The few songs performed are great, the puppets are well made, and it’s such a funny concept that we’d fund it right now if we could.
#4: “Oh, Streetcar!” “The Simpsons” (1989-)
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Despite there being a plethora of great musicals to choose from in this long-running cartoon, and as tempting as it was to choose Troy McClure’s “Planet of the Apes” one, we went with this reinterpretation of Tennessee Williams’ “A Streetcar Named Desire.” While the concept is wildly inappropriate, the execution is hilarious, from its opening number that’s a “ringing” endorsement of New Orleans, to Flanders’ ballad of Stanley’s infamous yells of “Stella!,” to the jarringly chipper ending, “Oh, Streetcar!” is a strangely captivating sendup of a classic play that could actually work on a real stage.
#3: “The Nightman Cometh” “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” (2005-)
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The product of the illiterate and profoundly damaged Charlie trying to write a musical, “The Nightman Cometh” is about a childlike man in love with a “coffee shop princess,” who also battles the eponymous Nightman after transforming into Dayman. However, that wholesome premise is marred by the wording of many of the songs, which appear to have double entendres. Oh yeah, there’s also a troll. However, despite the dark undertones, the costumes and set are bright and the songs are incredibly catchy. Just try to get “Dayman” out of your head! Also, the play was briefly performed for a limited run in real life, but we want a full version!
#2: “Rochelle, Rochelle” “Seinfeld” (1989-98)
First referenced as a film some of the characters see at the theater in bits and pieces, “Rochelle, Rochelle” is repeatedly described as a young girl named Rochelle’s strange “journey from Milan to Minsk.” Later on, the movie is turned into a Broadway musical, starring Bette Midler. Although precious little of the plot is known, and it seems to be more of an arthouse erotica tale than something with much substance, the one song that is sung is pretty memorable - and, like Kramer, we’re always up for seeing a musical if Bette Midler is involved. Before we get to our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions: “Snow White and the Seven Dorks” “Saved by the Bell” (1989-93) “LABretto” “Dexter’s Laboratory” (1996-2003) “Romeo and Juliet” with a Hip-Hop Twist “The Proud Family” (2001-05) “Mr. G: The Musical” “Summer Heights High” (2007) “Thomas Edison!” [aka “Topsy”] “Bob’s Burgers” (2011-)
#1: “Bombshell” “Smash” (2012-13)
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Although this Broadway musical centered series features another “smash” musical called “Hit List,” that we were tempted to choose instead, the first musical it focuses on is the one that made our list. Following the life of Marilyn Monroe, “Bombshell” is written and composed by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman, who created the musical “Hairspray,” and the duo’s infectious music and lyrics are on display with this fantastic, fictitious play. While a concert version has been performed and word is that a stage version is in development, nothing has materialized further as of this writing. So, here’s hoping that our “seven year itch” to see this musical in person doesn’t last much longer.
