Top 10 Dumbest Chris Griffin Moments
#10: Failing to Do a Proper Cutaway “Brian the Closer”
Poor Chris… he can’t even tell a joke properly. While having dinner with Lois and Peter, Chris sets up a classic “Family Guy” cutaway. Only, the cutaway involves nothing but Chris complimenting a Mrs. Sullivan on her delicious macaroni and cheese. Even Peter (who is certainly not the brightest) admonishes Chris for his terrible cutaway, and Chris can only hang his head in complete and utter shame. We like it when the show gets meta like this, and we like it even more when it dissects its own comedy with this level of expertise. They’re right, Chris simply isn’t ready for flashbacks!
#9: Watching Raccoons Steal the Camp Food “Fore, Father”
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Chris has always been depicted as dim-witted, but rarely before this episode had the show mined that vein in such a major way. The story begins when Peter and Chris accompany Joe, Cleveland, and their sons on a joint father-son camping trip. Only, the trip goes disastrously wrong when raccoons eat all the food. Chris had one easy job – to protect the food from raccoons – but he couldn’t even do that. To make matters worse, he makes a flipbook of the raccoons stealing the food, complete with dialogue bubbles and a canister marked “food.” Joe’s face and unsurprised reaction says it all; Chris is unfit for camping. Or, you know, most things in life.
#8: Getting Robbed by His Goldfish “Fore, Father”
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We’re not saying that taking care of a goldfish is easy, but let’s be honest, it’s definitely one of the easier pets out there to manage. They’re typically given to children as a sort of trial run for bigger and more complex pets. So of course Chris can’t even manage a goldfish. In fact, he’s so incompetent that he somehow manages to get ROBBED by his own goldfish, which seemingly hopped out of its tank, broke Chris’s piggy bank, and made its great escape by breaking the window. Not too many people can say that they’ve been robbed by a pint-sized pet, but then again, Chris Griffin is a special somebody.
#7: Getting on the Titanic “Stewie, Chris, & Brian’s Excellent Adventure”
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Chris has a lot of trouble with the Titanic. For one thing, he thinks it was called the Gigantic. In his defense, it was gigantic for its time, but still… it feels like we’re stretching out of pity for the kid. Worse, he also doesn’t seem to realize that it sunk, which, you know, is a widely understood piece of history. While traveling back in time, Chris tries to prove to Stewie that he is not, in fact, a moron. To do so, he gets himself a spot on what he calls “a fancy boat.” Of course, this “fancy boat” is none other than the Titanic. It’s literally spelled out in giant letters right below his feet. Way to prove your point there, Chris!
#6: The Toaster Computer “Peter, Chris, & Brian”
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This clip is a real reminder that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Peter realizes that he personally hasn’t amounted to much, and so he decides to turn Chris into a success in order to vicariously satisfy his own youthful aspirations. Chris shows great enthusiasm, but there’s just one problem – he doesn’t know what the word “success” means. Dummy point number one. To solve this conundrum, he runs to the kitchen and asks the toaster to define “success,” believing it to be a computer. Dummy point number two. And just when you thought you couldn’t facepalm any harder, in comes Peter to inquire about the computer that Chris is using. We honestly don’t know how these men function in day to day life.
#5: Wrestling a Lamp “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein”
“Family Guy” really fluctuates on Peter’s stupidity. Sometimes he’s just as dumb as Chris and, you know... thinks that the toaster is a computer. Other times he seems to be a little sharper, and can therefore manipulate Chris into doing some unbelievably stupid things. In “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein”, Peter demonstrates Chris’s foolishness by smacking him in the back and telling him that the lamp did it. Naturally, Chris tackles the lamp and wrestles with it, fully believing that this inanimate object did, in fact, smack him in the back. We have no words. That is just beyond dumb. So dumb that even Peter recognizes it as such.
#4: Scooby Dubious “Stewie, Chris, & Brian’s Excellent Adventure”
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” It’s a pretty popular quote, and even if you didn’t know that it is attributed to Franklin D. Roosevelt, you surely knew that it did not come from “Scooby-Doo.” While testing Chris for a quiz, Stewie asks him to ascribe the aforementioned quote. Chris believes that it came from the aforementioned animated dog who solves mysteries with his friends. When Stewie shoots that down, Chris changes his answer to Shaggy, because of course he does. We get not knowing the specifics behind certain quotes or historical moments. But attributing such a fantastic and iconic quote to a cartoon dog, let alone one who’s famously cowardly… well, that’s almost impressively dumb.
#3: Fur Fish “Secondhand Spoke”
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It would seem that Chris really can’t wrap his head around fish. If he’s not being robbed by a goldfish, he’s putting a live gerbil in a fish tank. It goes about as well as you’d expect. Upon entering Chris’s room, Stewie notices a dead gerbil in the fish tank. Chris then states that it is not a dead gerbil, but a fur fish, a type of fish that ferociously swims for thirty seconds before going to sleep. So... not only is Chris stupid enough to believe that, but he caused the death of an animal and is now keeping it in his fish tank. Confused though Chris might be, if that’s not a sign of a budding problematic personality, we don’t know what is.
#2: Not Recognizing Peter “German Guy”
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Now, Chris has done some really stupid things in his time, but this is on a whole other level. Upon being ordered by Peter to shoot Franz, Chris hesitates because he doesn’t know which one his “real dad” is. It’s a nice parody of various science fiction stories involving this situation, but Peter correctly points out that they don’t even look the same. You know, one being Peter and the other being an old man with a German accent. Things go even more off the rails when Chris shoots Peter and embraces Franz, believing him to be his real father. Even babies recognize their own parents. So, are we confirming that Chris is literally dumber than a baby? Before we look at Chris’s dumbest moment, here are a few honorable mentions. Fire Mishap “New Kidney in Town” Speaking in the Wrong Direction “Space Cadet” Learning Korean Instead of Spanish “Dearly Deported” The Human Hat “Take My Wife” No Consequences “Stewie, Chris, & Brian’s Excellent Adventure”
#1: Not Recognizing Herbert’s Intent Various Episodes
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Herbert was introduced in the season three episode “To Love and Die in Dixie”, and his advances towards Chris were quite obvious from the outset. They’ve gotten even clearer in recent seasons, like when Herbert asked Chris to bathe him, yet Chris still remains ignorant. Well, there was that one time he asked Herbert outright, but that was more of a joke than legitimate character development, so we’re not counting it. It’s not like Herbert’s advances are particularly subtle, either, so we’re surprised Chris hasn’t caught on. Then again, this is the boy who mistook an old German man for his father, so maybe we’re not so surprised after all.
