Naked Restaurants, Staff Spankings & Psychic Cucumbers: The Dispatch #29

VOICE OVER: Adrian Sousa
Script Written by Jesse Polowin & Adrian Sousa

Welcome to The Dispatch,'s look at the weirdest and coolest news stories from the previous week of human existence. This week, we’ve got psychic cucumbers, bank spankings and food in the nude!

Naked Restaurants, Staff Spankings & Psychic Cucumbers: The Dispatch #29

There’s probably a reason why you haven’t heard of these stories, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t interesting! Welcome to, and this is The Dispatch, where we bring you the Internet’s weirdest and coolest stories! This week, we’ve got psychic cucumbers, bank spankings and food in the nude!

#3: Clairvoyant Cucumber

Paul the Octopus – rest his soul – was a psychic, and a modern day animal oracle. He predicted 12 out of 14 football match results correctly during both the 2008 UEFA European Championships and the 2010 FIFA World Cup, at which he predicted all eight of Germany’s match results correctly. Other animals tried to follow suit: Leon the porcupine, Petty the pygmy hippopotamus and Anton the tamarind all failed with their predictions. Oobi-Oobi the Koala was so poor at predicting, that he was relieved of match prediction duty at the Leipzig Zoo. But now, Paul can finally give up the throne to a worthy successor: a Finnish Cucumber. Well, an English cucumber from Finland. The secret to the cucumber’s predicting powers is a mystery; as its interpreter spins it on the floor, the closer it points to a victor, the easier the victory. If the cucumber feels as though a match will end in a draw, it points between the two competitors. Though it hasn’t been as accurate as Paul, this gallant gourd is certainly building up its cult cred.

#2: Chinese Bank Spank

As a leading nation in manufacturing, China has received quite a bit of unfavorable press over the years for having poor working conditions in some factories. But, it came as a bit of a shock when news surfaced of inhumane treatment at a commercial bank. Video footage of the bank’s staff being spanked for poor performance at a training session has gone viral this week, resulting in plenty of public outrage as well as a suspension for the boss of the Changzhi Zhangze Rural Commercial Bank. The video showed eight employees on stage, being asked why they finished last in a competition. The boss then proceeds to shout out “get your butts ready” and beats the employees several times with what appears to be a thick wooden paddle. The incident is drawing complaints of being perverted and ancient. Hopefully this boss receives the message, or at least a spanked bottom. The Dispatch does not condone the spanking of employees or management.

#1: Nudist Resto

Japan has some of the most aesthetically pleasing food. But one restaurant in Tokyo is going for a different aesthetic, and it’s even more minimalist than sashimi. The Amrita opens in July 2016 as one of only three ‘naked restaurants’ in the world. Guests will hand over their clothing and $700 US for a reservation, and in return will have their food served to them by muscular waiters in skimpy underwear while enjoying a performance. But if you’re carrying a spare tire on your midriff, you might want to skip this joint. As part of a list of rules posted on the restaurant’s website, patrons weighing more than 33 pounds above the average weight for their height will be refused entry. If you’re cutting it close, you may want to weigh your options; management will ask patrons to step on the scale to ensure they fall within their guidelines.

So, have we been eating cucumbers when we should have been utilizing their wisdom?
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