Top 20 Worst Superheroes

Squirrel Girl is… well exactly what her title implies. She was born with “squirrel-like” abilities, a mysterious prehensile tail (which animals use to grasp), and is apparently not a mutant. She’s just a girl with squirrel-related afflictions. Perhaps her mother ate out of a garbage can when she was pregnant? She can also communicate with squirrels, which would come in handy to keep one’s garden free of destructive nuisances. Though she is a fairly powerful superhero, Squirrel Girl has been called overrated for numerous reasons, such as inconsistent narrative, overly positive attitude (face it, we love the gloom), and most of her grand achievements taking place off comic panels. Show us or it didn’t happen.

Picture Superman with his positive vibes tripled, or better yet, a goody-two-shoes version of Homelander. That’s Goldstar. He hails from the planet Harmony, where he and his twin brother were products of their father’s insidious experiments with good and evil. Twin boys Ernest and Rasputin Widdle (guess which one ended up being a villain) were raised in good and evil conditions respectively, resulting in the embodiments of good with Ernest/Goldstar, and evil with Rasputin (who later adopted the moniker “Bludhound.”) Goldstar can do everything Superman can do, as well as force goodness on the immoral… Basically, he mind-melds goodness with bad people. But not without consulting his “Code of Ethics” book first… not a joke. If anyone deserves a wedgie…

The Fixer was brought to us by comic legend Frank Miller in 2011, in a graphic novel titled “Holy Terror.” Miller claimed he was inspired by older comics in which Superman and Captain America both fought Hitler respectively. Perhaps, however, it was too soon to introduce a superhero fighting Al-Qaeda. In his defense, Miller knew what he was doing, claiming the novel would be offensive to many. The Fixer doesn’t have any superpowers - think the Punisher, only bigoted. He is a skilled fighter, marksman, and torturer, as well as having a spirited over-hatred for Islam. He defends Empire City against quote “terrorism.” There is no shock that this was ill-received. The story was originally pitched as a Batman narrative, but even Batman was offended.

Dazzler is essentially a walking disco/roller derby. She was created in 1979, which is likely why she needed to find new employment - disco died in 1980. Dazzler has the ability to turn sound vibrations into a light show. Think Jem, but with… body lights? Yeah, we don’t really get it either. She is a human flashbang, can create sparkling colored lights and strobes, generate shields, and is a talented singer-songwriter and roller skater. No, really. Using her abilities in stage shows is what got her outed as a mutant. Amidst controversy, she continued in her music career, advocating for mutant rights and all that. And hey, if you need a light show at your next shindig…

Okay, get ready to be offended… Rainbow Girl is a 30th-century superhero and member of the Legion of Substitute Heroes - made up primarily of Legion of Superheroes rejects. Her first comic appearance was in 1963, and she was then vaulted for 25 years (presumably due to a certain bra-burning movement). Rainbow Girl harnesses the powers of the enigmatic “emotional spectrum,” and she is quick to mood swings. It feels a little like the two male comic creators were angry with an ex or something - she’s essentially the embodiment of PMS. She can also create pheromone fields around herself, biologically forcing those around her to find her attractive, so there’s that…

In the “Murica” category of superheroes, NFL SuperPro was a short-lived comic collaboration between Marvel and the NFL. It lasted a mere 12 issues in the early 90s. Phil Grayfield is an aspiring football star until he severely injures his knee while saving a child. He then becomes a sports reporter and meets a scientist who is constructing a near-unbreakable football uniform… probably not NFL standard issue. When visiting the scientist’s home, thieves break in and attack the two men, stealing a van full of NFL merch (oh no!). Phil is doused in mystery science “chemicals,” which render him invincible. Luckily, his suit is already made, and he dons it and fights crime as NFL SuperPro. It’s been called one of the worst comics ever made.

Oddly produced by comic great Neal Adams in 1983, Skateman has gone down in history as an industry joke. It’s not difficult to see why - he’s a guy with skates, karate, and PTSD. Billy Moon, aka Skateman, is a Vietnam War veteran savvy in martial arts and roller derby (again with the roller skates?). Suffering from depression, Billy meets a kid named Paco who shows him his comic collection and inspires the latter to don a scarf over his face and fight crime on his roller skates… as Skateman! He has hilariously been said to make Dazzler “seem like Proust in comparison.” Ouch. Unfortunately, Skateman and Dazzler can’t team up, as they’re in different universes. Oh, what might have been…

Oh, did you think Quicksilver was Marvel’s Flash? DC’s The Flash made his debut in late 1939. Competing studio “U.S.A. Comics” (now Marvel) debuted its fast guy character in the 1940s - The Whizzer. You know, because he whizzes around? In a yellow suit? Stop giggling. So, Robert Frank, aka Whizzer, was a sickly child whose father gave him a mongoose blood transfusion which somehow triggered his mutation and granted him superhuman speed. The first recorded use of the word “whiz” to indicate urination was in a 1929 D.H. Lawrence poem. So, it is possible that creators didn’t realize the eventual hilarity of their choices. He had an occasional sidekick - Slow Motion Jones. No, really.

DC’s Color Kid can change the colors of objects. That’s it. He was rejected by the Legion of Superheroes, as they found his superpower to be useless. He was thus admitted into the Legion of Substitute Heroes, which is sort of like a participation ribbon. His first appearance was in 1966, and for some reason he’s still hanging around, appearing recently in 2006’s “Legion of Super Heroes” animated series. He can camouflage himself, as well as project different colored beams of light. The duration and effect of these color changes is a mystery, but we’re assuming it’s useful, somehow. The reason his head is a warped triangle is also a mystery.

Not to be confused with Texas Ranger, Walker the Weredolphin was created by Bill Willingham, and premiered in Comico’s “Elementals” in 1990. There is little information available concerning Walker, likely because he wasn’t exactly a hit. His powers are basically swimming fast and breathing underwater. So, like Aquaman but without… most of his useful contributions. Walker did manage to snag a green-skinned Elemental girlfriend, which spawned some “adult-only” comic issues, one of which had a racy cover page of a lady and a dolphin. But seriously, Walker the Texas Weredolphin Ranger has some potential…

What would happen to Popeye if his nutritional secret weapon was less…nutritional? Enter Captain Tootsie, a blonde-haired muscled superman who sports an obvious yellow “T” on his shirt. Along with his comrades Rollo, Fatso, Fisty and Sweetie, Captain Tootsie faces adversaries like ornery movie managers and enemy football teams, all to make sure that his younger friends get to enjoy their favorite treat! His comics, which appeared first in 1940s Sunday morning papers, often ended with the hero getting a sudden magnification of strength by eating the chocolatey snack. They were basically nothing more than promotional advertisements for Tootsie Roll products. Bland and uninspired, this mascot’s personality is significantly less engaging than counting those licks to the Tootsie pop’s center.

We’re diverting from the rules here, as he’s technically a villain, but we kinda have to. Whatever mental picture you conjured up from the title is likely correct. The 15th-century “codpiece” was a flap of sorts, designed to cover a man’s modesty. DC’s Codpiece chose to modernize his modesty flap, turning it from a protective element to a weapon of mass destruction. Why? Well, because of his self-perceived shortcomings… a girl in high school told him he wasn’t big enough, referring to his height. He misunderstood the taunt, and created a Swiss Army… member… a Robo-Pen-15? Anyway, this insecure man’s weapon is a cannon, missile launcher, and a bunch of other tools like a drill. The puns are… sigh… all unintended, we promise.

DeMarr Davis is a mutant whose main ability is… creating doors. Well, technically, he is the door. Doorman can stand in front of any seemingly impenetrable object or wall and act as a doorway, meaning you literally have to walk through him to get in. So, yeah, he’s a door that can open itself anywhere you’d like. He can also… wait, no… he’s a door. The thing is, many other superheroes could easily create an opening in a wall. Hulk smashes, Iron Man can probably just blast through… heck even Codpiece can use a drill! To make things worse, Doorman’s original costume looks like it was pieced together by rifling through Moon Knight’s garbage.

No, not that Captain Marvel. Not that one either. Defunct comic creators “M. F. Enterprises” released a few comics in the mid-1960s featuring Captain Marvel, not to be confused with Marvel, DC, or Fawcett Comics’ respective Captain Marvels. His backstory reads almost exactly like Superman’s: he was sent to Earth to escape his home planet’s destruction, vowed to protect Earth, and took on the persona of a journalist. His powers consist of everything Superman can do, plus sonic blasts, force fields, time travel, and the incredibly useful ability to sever his body parts and launch them at enemies. The latter is done by shouting “Split!,” and reattachment by shouting “Xam!” Gross.

In the worst mutations category, the short-lived X-Force member Gin Genie, or Beckah Parker, can create seismic waves. Cool, right? Well, she can only create waves equal to her blood alcohol count, so the drunker she gets, the more powerful she can be. There are just so many issues with this character, we don’t even know where to start. Like, are her reaction times also affected by the booze? Who’s gonna carry the kegs she needs to fuel up? Would she have been a villain during prohibition? She died in a helicopter attack in the comics, shortly after her introduction. That’s likely for the best. Let’s drink to her memory.

How about a sidekick horse who’s also a creepy stalker? Biron, or Comet, was a centaur in Ancient Greece. He was accidentally turned into a white horse, and then granted superpowers by a sorceress. Well, Comet the Super-Horse (real comic name, by the way) met Supergirl and was captured to be housed at the “Supergirl Dude Ranch” (real comic name as well). There he found himself obsessed with Supergirl… creepy. Some stuff happened and Comet was given the ability to turn human, but only when a comet passes Earth. As a human named Bronco Bill (can’t make this stuff up), he pursued Supergirl’s romantic affections without telling her he was once her horse. It’s kind of true to his Greek mythology origins, to be fair.

You know, Marvel’s famous Almighty Dollar? Who left such an impact after his one appearance in “NFL SuperPro”? Yeah, that guy! Well, J. Pennington Pennypacker was an accountant with low self-esteem; his awesome name and exhilarating career just couldn’t do it for him. He attended a self-esteem camp (true story), which was a front for a scientist testing out his new superpowers machine. JPP was given the amazing ability to chuck pennies at people with force from his wrist. So, he’s a gun. A penny gun. And an accountant. Fitting that he should get a superpower that aligns with his career. Why wasn’t he in the Avengers?!

Need something eaten? Anything? Well, DC’s Matter-Eater Lad’s got you. He’s a lad who eats matter, in case his title was confusing. Tenzil Kem is from the planet Bismoll (ironically reminiscent of Pepto Bismol). His people’s food source became inedible, so they evolved to eat everything else. He’s a decent fighter, and he has “superhuman digestion.” Sounds… disgusting. He definitely can’t sit with us in the cafeteria… The thing is, though he seems to be a terrible idea for a character, some say that since he can eat and digest everything, he could technically defeat Superman by consuming him. This would likely take some planning - perhaps a Kryptonite fork? Comic nerds, discuss!

This one sounds like a character from “The Boys,” but alas… ‘tis Marvel. Gene Lorrene, or “Leather Boy” was interested in joining some local fetish groups. He showed up to what he thought was a related meetup, but had accidentally crashed a “looking for costumed superheroes” meeting instead. They kicked him out for not having any super-abilities. He then became insanely jealous when Squirrel Girl was inducted into the Great Lakes Avengers and went on a murderous revenge rampage. He has no powers whatsoever and is just a jealous guy in leather gear. All this over a misunderstanding at the local community center. Oh, but he did once design costumes for some of the X-Men… so, there’s that.

Last and definitely least is DC’s beloved character, Arm-Fall-Off-Boy. Introduced for a very brief run in 1989, AFOB’s origins were as unknown as his actual name. His only achievement appears to have been being the first tryout to be rejected from the Legion of Superheroes. His superpower is… well obvious, but is not reserved for his arms only - he’s technically “Limbs-Fall-Off-Boy.” It’s worth pointing out, however, that it appears his limbs don’t quite “fall off,” but are removed and used to beat enemies. DC even made fun of him themselves in 2021’s “Suicide Squad,” with Nathan Fillion’s “The Detachable Kid.”

Who’s your least favorite superhero? Let us know in the comments!