Top 10 Funniest Movie Monologues

“Caddyshack” (1980)
Receiving the gift of total consciousness from the Dalai Lama has got to be one hell of a tip. In this surreally hilarious monologue, Bill Murray’s Carl Spackler talks about a time he was a tutor for the spiritual leader himself when in Tibet working as a golf caddy. Of course, the Dalai Lama proves a strong hitter and attempts to rip off poor Carl — or reward him, depending on your beliefs — with the promise of enlightenment on his deathbed. Perhaps this will even redeem his hunting gophers. Either way, you’d have to be lacking in total consciousness to not find this absurd story utterly hilarious.

“City Slickers” (1991)
There are those who go quietly into that good night and those who look the devil straight in the eye and give it to him straight. Billy Crystal’s Mitch Robbins clearly belongs to the latter group, as evidenced when he attends his son’s elementary class for career day. Indeed, Mitch is struggling at this point in his life. So he wastes little time sharing the harsh realities of existence with these bushy-tailed youngsters. This modern equivalent of the Seven Ages of Man paints a hilariously dreary picture of life, from the freedom of youth to pot-bellied adulthood. It’s funny because it’s almost too real – when did all of us become Mitch?!

“Bridesmaids” (2011)
When life gets you down, sometimes you need a friend to slap some sense into you – and to deliver a hysterically dark story about a girl named Megan who was teased in high school. Melissa McCarthy’s Megan is tough and honest, with a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps attitude. Instead of wallowing, she responded to jerks in her teens by focusing on academics. Now, she works for the government and knows important, explosive secrets. The moral of the story is, don’t blame the world for your problems, because one day you’ll work for the government. We’re kidding. But we could all use a “when life gives you lemons” speech, especially if it’s going to be delivered in such a ridiculous and hilarious way.

“Tootsie” (1982)
In this iconic gender-bending comedy, Dustin Hoffman plays desperate actor Michael, who disguises himself as a woman to bag a role on a soap opera. As Dorothy Michaels, Michael turns the character of Emily Kimberly, a Southern hospital administrator, into an empowering one. But of course, no secret can remain hidden forever. In the middle of a pivotal episode, he reveals the truth by incorporating it into Emily’s story in truly dramatic fashion. It’s also a hilariously apropos twist for a soap opera. It’s made all the more entertaining by how masterfully Hoffman plays a man playing a woman in the lead up to the monologue. We’re still in stitches.

“Clueless” (1995)
Like Jane Austen’s Emma, the literary figure she’s modeled after, Cher Horowitz is a spoiled, if charming, rich girl with a penchant for matchmaking. She also comes up with the most unexpectedly amusing analogies. In class, she argues for granting refuge to Haitians who need to come to America…which is totally like when guests show up to her party without having RSVP'd, right? Is she kind of just winging it? Probably. Does she pronounce Haitians correctly? Definitely not. But she’s so confident in her argument that it’s hard not to be mesmerized. Thanks to this juxtaposition, we find ourselves not just giggling, but nodding along as she reminds everyone of what the Statue of Liberty symbolizes.

“National Lampoon's Animal House” (1978)
It ain’t over till Bluto says it’s over. When the Delta fraternity brothers fail their midterm exam after swiping a fake answer key, they find themselves facing expulsion. Bluto isn’t having it though, delivering a rousing speech to his troops. The only thing is he’s far from a Shakespearean orator – or a historian – comically bumbling through his inaccurate speech and even uttering a war cry. His rant is so unsuccessful that when the guys actually start listening, Bluto can hardly believe it. Even the orchestra gets in the spirit, which makes the whole ordeal all the more priceless. “We band of brothers,” indeed.

“The Big Lebowski” (1998)
Eulogies should not be funny, right? Well, tell that to Walter! According to him, Donny was a bowler, a surfer, a friend, a bowler, and, you guessed it, a bowler. Clearly, Walter didn’t know his friend much outside of bowling, and there are a lot of laughs to be gleaned from that. But there are other details that make this scene stand out, too – like the departed’s ashes in the Folgers coffee tin being solemnly dedicated to the Pacific Ocean. Sadly but hilariously, Walter’s somber attempts at a proper funeral eulogy blow up in his face — or rather, the Dude’s. And as always, Vietnam is somehow relevant.

“Pulp Fiction” (1994)
The life of this particular piece of jewelry could put the One Ring to shame. In “Pulp Fiction,” Christopher Walken plays a U.S. veteran of the Vietnam war, Captain Koons. He imparts a gold watch to a young Butch Coolidge, delivering a comic monologue for the ages in the process. We learn that this watch belonged to Butch’s great-grandfather, who passed it down between generations. When Vietnam came, Butch’s father hid it in a rather unconditional manner, utilizing his own behind. After five years, he gave it to Koons, who continued the tradition. Young Butch immediately taking the watch, paired with Walken’s completely serious delivery, turns this satire about tradition into comedy gold.

“Blazing Saddles” (1974)
Speaking of absurd monologues involving derrières, this one is weirdly tragic. Before Gene Wilder’s Jim was called, well, Jim, he was known as the Waco Kid, renowned for having the fastest hands in the West. One day, a kid challenged him, and when he refused, shot him in his lower back. Jim made his way to a locale nearby, and found refuge in what else but a whole lot of whiskey – and now here we are. It’s impossible to keep a straight face listening to him go on. Wilder’s naturalistic comic skill — and the writing in general — are immaculate, making what should be a serious story into something that somehow puts a smile on our faces.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions:

Cerulean, “The Devil Wears Prada” (2006)
Bitingly Epic Words That Leave Us Blue in the Face

“Last-Minute Gift Ideas,” “National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation” (1989)
Breakdowns Are Always Funnier with Eggnog

Playing Sick, “Ferris Bueller's Day Off” (1986)
Ferris Sure Has a Witty Way of Explaining His Lying

The Santa Story, “Gremlins” (1984)
Finding Out Santa Doesn’t Exist This Way Would be the Worst

“Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” (1997)
No one weeps for the wicked…except if it’s for Dr. Evil and it’s his “inconsequential” childhood story. Then we all weep — tears of laughter, that is. “Austin Powers” has always understood vicious cycles. Take the cycle of gluttony. But Dr. Evil’s tragic backstory takes the hilarity cake. Let’s just say his parents had a lot going on, between his dad claiming to have invented the question mark and his mom’s job. Oh, and there’s the whole business of the meat helmets, and Evil’s experiences that are too graphic for us to get into. Highlighting the fantastical nonsensical nature of the typical Bond villain, the satire is only made possible by the earnestness, gravitas, and eloquence Mike Myers brings to this iconic monologue.

Which other comic film monologue had you rolling on the ground? Let us know in the comments down below!