Top 10 Adult Jokes in Christmas Movies You Missed
#10: Cash Bar? “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (2000)
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Like many of us, the green guy uses alcohol to manage social anxiety, especially when it ‘tis the season. When we learn why he hates Christmas and almost everyone in Whoville, it’s something a lot of adults can probably relate to: childhood trauma. Publicly humiliated as a kid, the grumpus must face his demons because one young girl believes in him. As he debates whether to go to the party and accept the title of Holiday Cheermeister, the Grinch shows his greatest fear is there being no open bar. While many folks 21 and over probably feel him, it doesn’t really land with youngsters like Cindy Lou Who. This one-liner’s laugh factor comes from a place of pain and insecurity, like much humor does.
#9: The Pool Fantasy “National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation” (1989)
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Clark Griswold just wants to give his family the perfect Xmas together. While his attempts at lumberjacking, electrical engineering and luging all go comically awry, this suburban dad holds an ace in his bathrobe’s sleeve. The surprise is a pool to be installed at the chateau de Griswold. That is, until his boss replaces Clark’s bonus with fruit preserves. With the family squabbling and his bumpkin cousin’s clan squatting in the driveway, all holiday hope seems lost. After everyone falls asleep, Papa Griswold stares out an icy window dreaming about what might have been. The domestic pool party quickly morphs into a striptease fantasy about a breathtaking lingerie counter girl. Tragically, it’s interrupted just before his dream lady bares it all.
#8: Mom's Petting Ted “Jingle All the Way” (1996)
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When Howard Langston forgets to buy his son the year’s hottest Christmas toy, he must do whatever he can to get one before it’s too late. Unfortunately, it’s sold out almost everywhere, sending Howard on a desperate quest to prove himself as a father and husband while his skeezy neighbor Ted tries to seduce his wife. After facing off against a deranged mailman, battling an army of Santas and narrowly escaping arrest, an empty-handed Howard calls home. His son picks up and Howard asks to speak with the missus. The kid tells him she’s petting Ted, horrifying Howard until he realizes Ted is a reindeer and not his neighbor. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s facial expressions really sell the gag, making it a truly memorable miscommunication.
#7: Buzz's Magazine “Home Alone” (1990)
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After eight-year-old Kevin McCallister realizes his family is gone, he isn’t exactly broken up about it. In fact, the kid starts doing everything he always wanted to but couldn’t because of those darn adults. This includes digging into his big brother’s private things. Kevin seems not only totally disinterested in Buzz’s Playboy, but actually a little disgusted by all the nudity. Now his brother’s fireworks... that’s a different matter. The July 1989 issue is the genuine article, and you can even just make out the cover, which features the perfectly proportioned former TV Newscaster Shelly Jamison. It’s the exact kind of simple sight gag that continues to make families laugh together during the holidays, even if they may be chuckling for different reasons
#6: Kinky Christmas Spirit “Scrooged” (1988)
A 1980s remix of the Charles Dickens Christmas classic, this movie pulls no punches. And, yes, we do mean literally. Bill Murray plays Frank Cross, a ruthless TV exec haunted by a series of specters. The third and penultimate spirit, the Ghost of Christmas Present, is a fairy-godmother-type with sadomasochistic tendencies. The way this crotch-kicking Glenda delights in dishing out and receiving punishment creates slapstick thrills for everyone, and sideways grins for grownups. However, neither Murray nor his torturer, Carol Kane, delighted in the violent stunts. Murray was really injured when Kane pulled his lip too hard, and Kane was apparently brought to tears over some of the hits she dished out. But, like the winged-witch herself says, sometimes the truth hurts.
#5: Two-Faced Politician “The Nightmare Before Christmas” (1993)
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As the Pumpkin King of Halloween Town, Jack Skellington deals with a lot of creepy characters. Of the many werewolves, vampires and other monsters he crosses paths with, the most deceptive is the politician. The Mayor of Halloween Town alternates between two faces, one smiling and another with a sharply toothed grimace. Most kids probably missed the joke about this elected official being the physical embodiment of our democratic system’s failures. The deceptions of those in power is as big an issue today as it was in the early ‘90s, but kids will always be kids. This dark yet beautiful fantasy endures because it works on so many levels. There’s gorgeous stop motion animation, a creative story and plenty of dark humor.
#4: Foot Size “Frozen” (2013)
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Princess Elsa can control ice with her thoughts, but that doesn’t mean she’s got it easy. First, she nearly freezes her little sister Anna, resulting in the two being kept apart. Next, her parents die, forcing Elsa to become queen. At the coronation, Anna gets hitched to a jerky prince she just met and Elsa’s powers are revealed. Elsa flees and her sister goes after her with the help of Kristoff. When he points out that Anna doesn’t even know her beau’s shoe size, mature audience members know exactly what he means. The quip gives non-youths something to chuckle at, which almost makes up for the endless hours of their kids singing “Let It Go.”
#3: I Get More Action in a Week “Elf” (2003)
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An orphan stows away in Santa’s sack, growing up at the North Pole believing he’s an elf. Of course, the gigantic-but-imwitted Buddy eventually figures it out. Determined to save his birth father from the naughty list, Buddy heads to New York City. His first overtures to this none-the-wiser Dad don’t go over so well, but eventually his pops takes him in. Problems arise when Buddy mistakes author Miles Finch for one of Santa’s elves. The character, played perfectly by Peter Dinklage, responds to the perceived slight with a brag about the disproportionate nature of his and Buddy’s sex lives. An ensuing brawl elicits chuckles from people of all ages.
#2: Who’s Swinging “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” (2000)
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While the Whos in Whoville may seem wholesome, it turns out the town has a seedier side. Many winks in this aforementioned live-action adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s classic allude to various villagers’ amorous antics. Since this film is ostensibly PG, director Ron Howard does have to play a little coy. He tells us babies magically float down from the sky on the one hand, and on the other throws out a quick cuckold quip. More lurid still is the raucous key party held annually by the Grinch’s adoptive moms. It’s all fun and games between consenting adults until someone gets hurt, in this case a newborn Grinch getting stuck in the snow overnight. Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions. Chewie’s Dad Receives a Racy Gift “Star Wars Holiday Special” (1978) Naughty Saint Nick Causes Trouble Again “Bad Santa” (2003) Buddy Buys Dad a Cringey Gift “Elf” (2003) Kev Films His Uncle Singing in the Shower “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York” (1992) The Future Father Christmas Crassly Jests “The Santa Clause” (1994)
#1: High Times “The Santa Clause” (1994)
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Yep, Tim Allen’s turn as the red-velvet gift-giver sets the bar for bawdy Xmas entertainment. He plays Scott Calvin, a divorcé struggling to be a good dad. Things get complicated when Scott surprises Kris Kringle, who promptly falls off the roof and dies. The dark absurdity continues with his son Charlie convincing Scott to don the mantle of Father Christmas. Once he picks up the bag of gifts, Scott starts floating away. Here he utters that immortal call back to a groovier time when he assures his son not to worry because “It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.” This allusion to Scott’s psychedelic past isn’t for the lads and lasses, but rather Allen’s adult fans. It’s as timeless a bit as the winter holiday itself.
