5 Best Halloween Candies You Wanted & 5 Worst You Traded With Friends
5 Best Halloween Candies You Wanted & 5 Worst You Traded With Friends
Welcome to MsMojo, and today we’re conducting the hard-hitting Halloween journalism that the people need. We’re counting down our picks for the all-time great childhood trick-or-treat snacks, as well as the flop candies you try to pawn off on your cousin who your mom invited to go trick-or-treating with you.
#5: WORST - The Pretzel Bag
You know the one– it comes in a teensy plastic bag that’s impossible to open, and all the pretzels are supposed to be shaped like bats or something. Are they bad? Not necessarily. But are they as good as candy? Of course they aren’t. By the end of Halloween night, you’ve somehow accrued a pile of them, and now have to deliver the performance of a lifetime to trade them out of your sack. You’ll keep– I don’t know– one bag, just to keep up appearances. Maybe it’ll end up in your lunchbox in three weeks time, and they’ll serve as a distant yet fond memory of trick-or-treating past. But here’s the cruelest trick of all: even if you manage to pry them open… they’re already stale. And that’s a life lesson for you, kids.
#5: BEST - Twix
George Costanza said it best: it’s the only candy with the cookie crunch. A Twix bar on Halloween is like a visit from someone you call your aunt but it’s actually unclear whether or not you are related to her– it’s fun when it happens, but it’s not something you’ll actively seek out on your own time. Twix doesn’t come in just any Halloween candy variety bag, so when you fish it out of your upper middle class neighbor’s cauldron of treats, you can’t help but feel electrified by that little gold wrapper. There’s no way you’re trading that beauty out of your jack-o-lantern bucket. Whether it’s Right Twix or Left Twix, they both have room in our hearts.
#4: WORST - Smarties
Smarties are the perfect snack to crunch on if you love chalk, or if you want to roleplay indigestion. Seriously, if we put a Smartie in one hand and a Tum in another– Morpheus style– we bet you would be hard pressed to tell the difference. Listen, we know there are folks out there who liked to throw down a roll of Smarties as a kid, and we’re not judging. But in the Halloween candy lineup, Smarties simply aren’t in the A-list. Like their brethren Blow Pops and Tootsie Rolls, they may have their fans, but ultimately they make better use as candy trading currency. We’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse– three rolls of Smarties for one Snickers. You in, or you out?
#4: BEST - Sour Patch Kids
We would be remiss if we didn’t give a nod to one of the candy greats of all time… The Kids. Sour Patch Kids are sour– it’s in the name– but they’re just sour enough. You can eat enough of them in one sitting to get a stomachache, but not a headache. And when you think about it, isn’t that what Halloween is all about? Pain and glory? …Alright, maybe that’s just us. Clearly, chocolates are always the first to mind when in deep conversation regarding the Halloween GOATs. But we’re here to stand for our sour and gummy snack soldiers. Rise for the Laffy Taffy. Rise for the Starbursts. Rise for the Skittles– regular AND sour. Did you rise yet? You’re supposed to rise.
#3: WORST - Fun-Sized Raisins
Just because something is fun-sized does not make it fun– and that’s the first law we would enact as World Candy Ambassador. Anyone who would even consider tossing a box of raisins into a child’s Halloween candy sack should be put on trial. Yes, that’s the second law. The worst part about getting raisins on Halloween– aside from, you know, the raisins– is that they are simply untradeable. You can’t even put-pocket these suckers into some other kid’s cauldron without causing a scene. You have no choice but to give them to Grandpa. And though it’s difficult to see what could’ve been your own beautiful candy experience squandered by an old man eating raisins, you think to yourself– maybe there is beauty in the memories of the candies we didn’t eat. But yeah, if you give out raisins on Halloween: jail.
#3: BEST - Kit Kat
The Kit Kat is the working kid’s chocolate. After a long day of third grade, spending seven hours trying to wrap your developing mind around the process of the water cycle, or trying to long-divide eighty-two by five… you need to take a break. When you reach into your Halloween bucket and pull out that classic red wrapper, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You can finally rest. Because really, is there anything more satisfying than snapping a fresh Kit Kat in half? Maybe successfully explaining how condensation becomes precipitation in front of a crowd of your third grade peers. But other than that, not much.
#2: WORST - Dots
We apologize in advance to the gummy candy community, but Dots… we do not claim you. Not to sound like your dentist or anything, but if you’re going to get anything sugary stuck in your teeth for the next three centuries– shouldn’t it be worth it? Wait, stay with us: what if Dots are a psyop orchestrated by Big Dental to rake in some extra holiday cash? Have you even considered that? Think about it next time you bite down on one of those pencil eraser looking disasters. Think about your inevitable cavity filling, and your dentist having a big laugh about it. Yeah… move over goblins and ghouls, Dots are the real Halloween horror fest.
#2: BEST - Milky Way
Nougat and caramel are much like church and state, in that you can try and separate them, but then… you’ve invented the 3 Musketeers bar. That makes sense if you don’t think about it too much. The Milky Way’s creamy, gooey center will hardly find itself any haters– except maybe your friend who’s just jealous that they couldn’t get as good of a caramel pull as you. But that’s an acquired skill, everybody knows that, JESSICA!... A bagload of Milky Ways on Halloween truly has no downside, aside from potentially destroying a friendship that has since spanned upwards of seven lunch periods.
#1: WORST - Milk Duds
Come on, it’s in the name– they’re duds. Now listen, we don’t want to sound like hypocrites here. We love chocolate. We love caramel. We hope that we’ve made that abundantly clear. But Milk Duds miss the mark big time, especially stacked up against the heavy-hitter candies. It’s almost as if the candy distribution company was like, “hey, maybe we can offload the rest of these Milk Duds if we toss them into the Halloween variety packs with the candies people actually want.” And they thought we’d never catch on. Well think again, candy man. You better believe we’re foisting these off to the nearest dud we can get our hands on.
Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
BEST: Gummy Body Parts
Don’t Lay a Finger on My Decapitated Finger… Candy
WORST: Grandma Candies
The Only Thing Louder Than Opening a Werther’s Original Is Our Shrieks of Disgust
BEST: M&Ms
Yummy! …What Else Is There to Say?
WORST: Anything Non-Candy
If You Give Us a Pencil, We’ll Give You a Piece of Our Mind
BEST: Anything Full-Sized
Get Dropped off in the Rich Neighborhood Next Halloween, and Revel in the Spoils of Victory
#1: BEST - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
…Specifically the ones that are shaped like pumpkins. They’re special. Candy court has been called to order, and we’re not hearing any more witnesses. This is the ultimate Halloween candy. It’s Halloween night, all your friends have gone home, and now it’s just you– ensconced in your spoils like a dragon atop a pile of gold. But before you fall into your candy-induced slumber, there’s only one treasure you seek. One more treat for the road, a hail mary candy if you will. Without question, it’s the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. It’s always been the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
Now for the question on everyone’s minds… candy corn: are you keeping it, or trading it? Let us know in the comments!
