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Top 10 Hilarious Movie Speeches!

VO: Rebecca Brayton

Written by Liam Hillery

These speeches were ridiculously funny, and had us laughing in some of the most awkward, hilarious, absurd, and just downright fantastic movie moments. WatchMojo presents the top 10 Hilariously Absurd Movie Speeches, the best of the best in a list of truly absurd monologues. But which film will take the top spot? Will it be Chevy Chase's Christmas Bonus Tirade, from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, or Team America's three kinds of people speech? Watch to find out!

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Transcript
Let’s leave the formal speeches to Shakespeare, shall we? Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’re counting down our picks for the Top 10 Funniest Speeches in Movies.

For this list, we’re looking at the most hilarious speeches and monologues in film. We’re only considering those speeches delivered by characters within the action of a scene, so even the funniest narration over the best montage won’t make the cut. Similarly, the scene has to be intentionally funny; none of this so-bad-it-was-funny stuff.

#10: Annie / Helen’s Toast
“Bridesmaids” (2011)

Can anyone make it to the end of this scene without looking away? We can’t. It’s so hard to watch, but for really great reasons. At bride-to-be Lillian’s engagement party, her newly established best friend, Rose Byrne’s waspy Helen, and her childhood best friend, Kristen Wiig’s Annie, compete with one another for control of the microphone and for Lillian’s affection. Helen spouts some pretentious bologna that excludes everyone in the room and makes Annie jealous, so Annie steps up, trying to recapture Lillian’s love. Let’s give credit to Byrne and Wiig for their incredible performances; it’s truly painful to see them vie for the last word. Really, it’s torture, but only because the comedy is so effectively cringe worthy.

#9: Billy Gets It Wrong
“Billy Madison” (1995)

The golden age of Adam Sandler: Gilmore, Waterboy¬… MADISON. Back when audiences went crazy for Sandler and his childish comedy, he rewarded their dedication with some classic moments, and this outrageous speech is a prime example. Throughout the film, Sandler’s Billy retakes grades 1-12 in an attempt to truly learn something, and when we see him competing in an academic decathlon for his father’s company, it appears he finally has. Asked a complicated question, it seems like Billy has a moment of pure genius, drawing on knowledge he learned in the first grade to answer. But it turns out he’s actually dead wrong, and has been spewing total nonsense. Perhaps foreshadowing the future, Sandler’s character – at least according to the decathlon’s judge – has made everyone dumber.

#8: I Killed My Sale
“Tommy Boy” (1995)

Like the good ol’ Sandler days, the Farley days were a joy to behold. We love moments like Kill Whitey and his Desktop Demo, but this “Tommy Boy” speech takes the cake, as it incorporates everything we loved about the big man. Desperate after botching a sale, Farley’s Tommy takes it out on himself by, well, taking it out on his food. Explaining to his waitress, Helen, why he’s a bad salesman, Tommy animatedly demonstrates how he gets overexcited and kills his sale like an unaware child would kill an animal. He turns from playfully light to violently dark in a split second, which may be traumatic for Helen, but by god it’s funny for us.

#7: Wolf Pack
“The Hangover” (2009)

This 2009 Todd Phillips romp provided breakout roles for every actor involved, but it was Zach Galifianakis – perhaps the least known of the bunch – who instantly rose to stardom thanks to his portrayal of the unbelievably strange Alan. And no moment epitomizes Alan more than this awkward speech. While on the roof of their hotel, overlooking Las Vegas, the boys toast the soon-to-be married Doug. Alan, who was only invited out of kindness, steals the spotlight. Nervous, he tries his hand at a prepared joke before awkwardly expressing his happiness over his newfound friends, and promising, over a blood oath, a night of strippers and cocaine. They have no idea what they’re in for.

#6: Walter’s Eulogy to Donny
“The Big Lebowski” (1998)

“Poor Donnie; he was man caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. He died too young. We’ll miss him”… There. That could have been Donnie’s eulogy. Instead, John Goodman’s Walter takes what should’ve been a simple, thoughtful speech to places that only his dark mind could go. Contrasting Jeff Bridges' passive, mellowed-out Dude, Walter’s a man who never got over Vietnam. Quick to anger, he begins Donnie’s eulogy with an attempt to provide a beautiful and poised tribute – but it only comes off as awkward. He then quickly moves past his departed friend’s memorial to lambaste god for the lives lost in Vietnam. It takes a lot to get The Dude mad, but this hilariously deadpan scene gets the job done.

#5: Dr. Evil’s Group Therapy Speech
“Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” (1997)

Okay guys; get your pinky fingers ready… After being frozen for the full extent of his son’s childhood, Dr. Evil finds himself back in Scott’s life. But the complications of their tumultuous reunion land the duo in group therapy together, much to Dr. Evil’s dismay – come on, he has bigger frickin’ sharks to fry! After much pestering from the oblivious group members, he’s goaded into sharing intimate details of his childhood. Dr. Evil takes the group of average Joes through a highly descriptive account of a childhood he perceived to be completely standard, but was – of course – abusive, traumatic, and downright bizarre. He gives the recipe for a demented maniac, but like he says, you should really try it some time.

#4: Clammy Hands
“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986)

Listen up, kids: the cool teenage badass you should all listen to is taking a moment to lay down the law and teach a lesson – and believe it or not, this one can actually work. The opening scene of this iconic movie shows Matthew Broderick’s titular character weaseling his way out of school by faking sick. Breaking the fourth wall and speaking directly to the audience, Bueller explains the best way to get yourself out of school, and then proceeds to give us his life philosophy. It’s his confidence, charisma, and honestly solid points that make this scene so great. Really, we could all use a day off. In fact, I’m going to try it right now… (pause) Ahhh! The Mojo police caught me.

#3: The Christmas ‘Bonus’ Speech
“National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” (1989)

Channeling every crazy dad ever, Chevy Chase’s Clark Griswold is over the top, embarrassing, and far too enthusiastic for his too-cool-for-school children. Still, you gotta love family, especially around the holidays. Here, the Griswolds gather around Clark when he opens his much-hyped Christmas Bonus check… or at least he thought it was a check. When he learns that it’s merely a subscription to a crappy club, Clark loses his sh… well, you can fill in the blank. The pent-up anger and stress of the holidays – which had previously been masked by a candy-coated layer of enthusiasm and hope – flies straight out the window. Not for the first time, Clark goes on a highly descriptive, incredibly hilarious rant, venting every single ounce of frustration.

#2: Over?
“Animal House” (1978)

What, you think it’s time to give up? What are you sitting down for; it’s time to galvanize the troops! You know what, roll the clip! Like that one guy in every great sports movie, Animal House’s Bluto tries to inspire his frat. But in his case, the result is a factually incorrect, bumbling speech. And, when he roars and leaves in a hurry, none of them follows. On take two, however, he finds some success by first chastising the group for being soft and letting destiny fall through their fingertips, and then promising to kill the frat’s enemies. Much to his surprise, this actually works, and the rest, as Bluto would’ve said had he needed to keep going, is history.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions:
- Never Gonna Score
“Beavis and Butt-Head Do America” (1996)

- Frank Drebin’s “I Want a World” Speech
“The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear” (1991)

- The Blackout Speech
“Old School” (2003)


#1: Three Kinds of People
“Team America: World Police” (2004)

They dominate television with “South Park”; they dominate the stage with “The Book of Mormon”; and while Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 2004 cult classic didn’t break box office records, the film’s defining speech certainly dominates this list. Our hero, Gary – having given up on Team America – has resorted to drinking away his sorrows. That is, before he receives inspiration from an unlikely source. The old drunk throwing a few back next to Gary takes a moment to teach him a lesson on the three kinds of people in this world… How right is he? We can’t say, but what we do know is that this speech revitalizes Gary and will have audiences anywhere, anytime, killing themselves with laughter. And with that, Gary saves the world. America! (bleep) yeah!

Do you agree with our list? What do you think is the funniest movie speech? For more hilarious Top 10s published every day, be sure to subscribe to WatchMojo.com.
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