Top 5 Totally British Overreactions to Outrageous Weather

[1]Whenever the weather wanders even a fraction from the daily norm, we Brits press the panic button. If there’s snow on the ground, rain on the horizon or maybe the sun’s simply too hot - then we’re staying in[2]. And we’re stocking up, too. If the MET office ever issues any kind of weather warning (who cares what colour it is!), then we’re bulk-buying baked beans[3] and convincing ourselves that long-life milk is just as good as the fresh stuff. At the very least school kids are praying for a snow day, and commuters are counting on their office being closed – because any kind of travel is definitely impossible. Our cars aren’t good enough, our scarves aren’t warm enough and we simply won’t stand for it.

It’s a stereotype, but it’s probably true; Great British small talk usually starts with the weather. So, when our typically tepid, dull and drizzly forecasts make way for storms and blizzards, we can get quite excited. We’ll start with well-seasoned, superstitious old wives’ tales - as though red skies and shepherds offer logical reasons for what’s happening outside. Then there’s the desperate search for a record to break, because weather’s not weather until it’s the hottest, coldest, wettest, weirdest or most dangerous that Britain has ever seen. And then we all try to out-weather each other by Instagramming all kinds of climate-caused carnage in a bid to prove our local snow is deeper, the rain is heavier, or our sun is sunnier. And if it’s ever hotter than the Med or the Caribbean, for even a second, then we’ll chit chat over that for a week, or five.

What’s fuelling our weather-related hysteria? Every major news channel. Because even the sniff of something amiss with our atmospheric conditions triggers a days-long build-up to an apparently apocalyptic event. Of course, the weather in Britain is rarely that bad (minus the flooding), but we have started naming storms in line with American hurricanes… With ‘Abigail’ and ‘Barney’ taking the lead. Other countries might be confused by our anxiety-addled newsreaders poring over hell-on-Earth headlines, because the wind, rain or snow is usually worse elsewhere. But here’s where the weather reporter really earns their salt. A smiley, reliable type for most of the year, they relocate to a windswept seafront to risk the elements and prove their point.

[1]As is the unpredictability of the British climate, we’re never quite sure when a warm spell will arrive. But, when it does, we go to town. Supermarkets over-order on disposable BBQs, DIY stores wheel out the hot tub in the hope that someone will finally buy it this year[2], and high street chemists brace themselves for frantic sun cream shoppers. Of course, sun cream is an absolute essential and should always be applied, but the Brits tend to fall into two camps; the dumb but determined non-user whose blatant disregard for their own health leaves them painfully red-faced, or the heavy-handed over-applier who seems to bathe in Factor 50 from April to October. It’s always best to be over-cautious, obviously.

Planes, trains, weddings, funerals, just how is anything supposed to function as expected if the weather isn’t overcast and cloudy? Our so-called stiff upper lips can just about cope with a light shower or two, but not three. A shorts and t-shirt temperature in the mid-20s is pleasant, but if the gauge gets close to 30 (or even worse, it plummets to less than zero) then making plans is a waste of time – because they’re never going to happen. In the interests of safety first, Britain’s infrastructure especially falls apart for snow, with airports closed and the trains even more delayed than usual. But even sunshine brings miles-long tailbacks on coastal roads around the country – with irritated drivers bemoaning how hot it is. You simply can’t win.