Top 10 Things in SpongeBob That Make No Sense

SpongeBob spends his days firing up the grill and serving up hot Krabby Patties that sizzle in the customers’ mouths. As you might have noticed, there are more than a few problems with that last sentence. Aside from not being able to operate a grill underwater, those patties should be soggy and falling apart. Yet, the Krabby Patty is a vision of perfection, except when Squidward’s on cooking duties. Speaking of which, we’re not sure how you would burn a Krabby Patty… or fries... or a shake, for that matter. This doesn’t just apply to the Krusty Krab’s menu. Salt may be used to make ice cream, but salt also melts it. We doubt Goofy Goober’s inventory would mesh well with the surrounding saltwater.

In the first season, SpongeBob inadvertently summons Neptune after pulling a golden spatula from ancient grease. To see if SpongeBob is truly worthy, Neptune challenges him to the ultimate cookoff in Atlantis. This Neptune pops up in a few other episodes. In the 2004 feature film, though, Neptune appears with lighter green skin, a longer nose, and a bald head. He also sounds less like J. Peterman and more like George Bluth Senior. Is this the same Neptune or are there two Neptunes? Actually, there could be three Neptunes if the live-action segments are canon. On top of all that, there’s apparently more than one Atlantis. The gang later travels to a very different Atlantis ruled by Lord Royal Highness rather than Neptune.

It’s revealed in the Season 7 episode “One Coarse Meal” that Plankton is deathly afraid of whales, such as Pearl. We guess that makes sense seeing how whales are higher up on the food chain. What doesn’t make sense is that Plankton and Pearl had already crossed paths several times. They were in the same marching band together without any anxiety. Plankton even swaps lives with Mr. Krabs in one episode, becoming Pearl’s father. While annoyed by Pearl, Plankton isn’t concerned that she might eat him. Even after Plankton’s fear of whales is established, this detail is pretty much forgotten in subsequent episodes. Plankton continues to interact with Pearl, as if “One Coarse Meal” never happened. Given the episode’s reception, maybe that’s for the best.

We first learn in Season 3 that Krabs turned a bankrupt retirement home called the Rusty Krab into the Krusty Krab. This happened after the war when Krabs served in the Navy. Krabs later reveals, however, that he was once a pirate. The Krusty Krab was originally the name of his ship, which he sold. So, Krabs is a Navy vet and a former pirate? Maybe he joined the Pirate Queen after all? If he comes from a pirate family, though, why would Krabs enlist in the Navy? The Krabby Patty secret formula has a muddled backstory as well. It’s repeatedly shown to be a family recipe, but in “Friend or Foe,” the formula is accidentally created following an argument between young Krabs and Plankton.

When Patrick thinks he’s contracted “the ugly” in Season 2, he fears what his sister will say. Patrick suddenly remembers, though, that he doesn’t even have a sister. The thing is that Patrick does have a sister named Sam, who we meet in Season 7. Although she was lost at sea when they were young, we doubt anyone could forget somebody as outlandish as Sam, least of all her own brother. Then again, this is Patrick we’re talking about. The starfish spent an entire day entertaining two strangers, thinking that they were his parents. It wasn’t until after they said their names that Patrick realized something was off. So, the idea that Patrick momentarily forgot about his sis isn’t TOO far-fetched, we suppose.

In the show’s debut episode, SpongeBob can barely lift a weight constructed from stuffed animals. We’ve also seen him struggle to lift a stick with a couple of marshmallows on the ends. Whenever the plot requires it, however, SpongeBob is capable of extraordinary physical feats like lifting a boat one-handed. In the Fry Cook Games, he miraculously grows muscles like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s; yet, in another episode, he buys a pair of inflatable muscles to appear buff. He can hold his own in a karate match against Sandy, Bikini Bottom’s strongest resident. But he can’t even open a ketchup bottle to gain access to the Salty Spitoon. Is SpongeBob stronger than he looks or is he a weakling? We’ll let Weenie Hut General be the judge.

When we first meet the dynamic underwater duo, they appear to be characters on a TV show. Later in the same episode, however, it’s clarified that Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are real. Were they on a reality show or is this like “The Boys” where actual superheroes star in their own movies? Of course, there’s an even bigger question on our minds. Unlike some of the other humans SpongeBob has encountered like David Hasselhoff, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are both the size of fish. The two are given conflicting origin stories in one episode, but in each version, they start off as normal-sized humans. Well, maybe Mermaid Man used his belt to shrink themselves down to the size of sea creatures...

As surreal as an underwater beach sounds, there is some logic behind Goo Lagoon. Technically, this hot spot is a brine pool. The “goo” the beachgoers swim in is “brine,” which is saltier and denser than the rest of the surrounding water. In one episode, SpongeBob and Patrick nearly drown in Goo Lagoon because they can’t swim. Granted, the word choice raises several questions. If you live underwater, aren’t you automatically swimming? How can you drown if the sea is your natural habitat? Still, brine pools can send marine life into toxic shock and even cause death. The real question is why anyone would go to Goo Lagoon for a fun time. It should look less like a beach and more like a fish graveyard.

How did a crab father a whale? It’s a question that’s rarely brought up within the show, but we’ve been asking it since 1999. In the official “SpongeBob SquarePants Trivia Book,” Mr. Krabs says that Pearl “takes after her mother,” who has never been revealed. We guess that means Peal’s mom was also a whale, but how could Mr. Krabs possibly be her biological father? It doesn’t add up. Anyone who’s taken a marine biology or sex education class can explain why. It would honestly make a lot more sense if Pearl was adopted. Our theory is that Pearl is to Krabs what H.W. is to Daniel Plainview. After all, Krabs also represents the madness of capitalism, and sperm whales are full of oil.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

Underwater Gorilla
And What’s a Horse Doing Underwater for That Matter?

SpongeBob’s Parents Are Round
And Yet Their Surname is SquarePants?

Sweater of Tears
More Water Underwater

Snowing Underwater
It Should Be More Frozen Than Snowy

More on Mr. Krabs’ History
What War Was He In? When Did He Cook on the S.S. Diarrhea? How Old Is He Anyway?

Bikini Bottom is an underwater city run on electricity… which means it should probably look more like this scene from “The Simpsons Movie.” What makes even less sense is how fire exists in this underwater world. Throughout the series, we’ve seen various campfires and buildings set ablaze. Bikini Bottom has its own fire department and fire extinguishers. Even the youngest “SpongeBob” fans know, however, that you can’t start a fire at the bottom of the sea. This is so preposterous that the writers have poked fun at it. In one episode, SpongeBob and Patrick are keeping warm by a fire. It automatically goes out, though, when Patrick points out the obvious. See, even Patrick recognizes the physical limitations of life underwater… sometimes.