Top 10 Movies with the WORST Logic
#10: “The Twilight Saga” (2008-12)
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“Twilight” raises numerous questions, most of which pertain to Edward and Bella’s baffling romance. The basis for their relationship is built on looks and… smells? Bella isn’t at all fazed by Edward being a vampire more than a century old who watches her sleep at night. Edward straight-up abandons Bella when Jasper attacks her. But if Edward wanted to protect Bella, why didn’t he leave after James kidnapped her before? When Edward returns, he does a complete 180 and asks Bella to marry him, but she doesn’t want to. Wait, she’ll jump off a cliff just to feel closer to Edward but marriage is one cliff she won’t jump off? Bella does eventually say yes and… ugh, don’t even get us started on the consummation.
#9: “Looper” (2012)
Dramatically compelling, masterfully acted, and sharply directed, it’s hard to find fault in this time travel movie… except when it comes to the actual logistics of time travel. Since you can’t get rid of bodies in the future, assassination targets are sent back in time to be killed by people in the present. Eventually, the assassins kill the future versions of themselves. This system was bound to backfire eventually and it inevitably does when Old Joe is sent back, determined to survive as his younger self hunts him down. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to take out Old Joe in the future, THEN send his body to another time? On top of that, “Looper” tries to have its cake and eat it too, utilizing both a single timeline and a multiverse timeline, creating a paradox.
#8: “Life” (2017)
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As atmospheric and creepy as this sci-fi horror film is, the characters make every mistake in the book after bringing an extraterrestrial lifeform aboard their space station. When the lifeform named Calvin won’t respond, the crew gets a bright idea: shock it awake! People, did you see “E.T.?” That method is not very effective. Where E.T. was a friendly alien, though, Calvin responds violently and uses the shock wand to escape. From there, the crew keeps finding new ways to make matters worse. When Ryan Reynolds’s character foolishly enters the hot zone to face off against the alien, the situation escalates quickly and soon enough, he loses all of his organs. The film is called “Life,” but these astronauts are pretty good at tempting death.
#7: “Pretty Woman” (1990)
“Pretty Woman” was originally intended to be a much darker movie that would’ve ended with Edward coldly tossing out Vivian, who drives off with her friend to Disneyland. Ironically, Disney picked up the project and insisted on it being a more lighthearted affair. Thus, the final film was about as logical as a fairytale. In typical storybook fashion, Vivian helps the powerful playboy to understand that there’s more to life than picking up random hookers and corporate raiding. So, Edward turns over a new leaf without really making any sacrifices while Vivian is set for life. We’d be lying if we said that the ending wasn’t romantic but let’s be honest: we all know that the original ending was the more realistic one.
#6: “Jupiter Ascending” (2015)
For a film that had a lot of thought put into its worldbuilding, “Jupiter Ascending” makes zero sense. The movie kicks off with a man getting himself killed during a robbery, leaving behind a pregnant wife who names their child after his favorite planet, Jupiter. At least it wasn’t Uranus! Years later, Jupiter decides to sell her egg cells to buy a telescope. Sounds like a bum deal, but the movie is just starting to get stupid. Jupiter is soon roped into a nonsensical plot involving aliens, reincarnation, royal-sensing bees, an intergalactic wedding, and a screaming Eddie Redmayne. All the while, Jupiter is just like, “meh, whatever.” The Wachowskis were so focused on creating this grand mythology that they forget to incorporate any rhyme or reason.
#5: “Armageddon” (1998)
An asteroid as massive as Texas is going to hit Earth in eighteen days, obliterating life as we know it. To avert disaster, a team must drill into the asteroid and insert a nuclear weapon. So naturally, NASA sends its top astronauts, right? Actually, they enlist oil drillers who’ve never even stepped foot inside a rocket. But hey, what usually takes years of studying and training can easily be mastered by a ragtag group of misfits. Yet, apparently none of NASA’s astronauts could figure out how to operate a drill within that time frame. Ben Affleck brought up this lapse in logic in the commentary for “Armageddon” and apparently Michael Bay wasn’t thrilled with his logical thinking.
#4: “Grease” (1978)
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This classic musical clearly wasn’t aiming for a realistic portrayal of the ‘50s, but its depiction of the high school experience isn’t much more believable. Danny brushes off Sandy to look cool in front of his greaser friends. Yes, because as we all know, nothing is lamer than dating a beautiful cheerleader who’s totally into you. For real, what universe does this exist in? Throughout the movie, Danny ignores Sandy, ditches her at the school dance, and gets uncomfortably touchy at the drive-in. It’s all cool in the end, though, because he wears a letterman jacket. Also, Sandy conforms to win over the guy who’s been mostly a jerk to her. This resolution couldn’t be more contrived if you threw in a flying car. Wait, whaaat?
#3: “A Quiet Place” (2018)
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Whatever problems we have with this thrilling film are nitpicks. That said, we DO have a few gripes. For starters, why didn’t Regan get rid of the batteries when she gave the toy space shuttle back to Beau? Also, we know that Beau was just four, but could he seriously not comprehend that a noisy toy would attract the noise-sensitive creatures hunting them? A year after Beau’s death, Evelyn is about to bring another child into this post-apocalyptic world. You’d think Evelyn and Lee would have taken precautions to avoid this, since - custom crib or no - a newborn baby was sure to jeopardise the family’s safety. Of course, the real question is how they conceived without… um… making any noise?
#2: “Justice League” (2017)
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Between Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, the Flash, and Cyborg, Steppenwolf and his army already seem pretty outmatched. Nevertheless, our heroes feel the need to resurrect Superman as well. This isn’t just to improve their chances against Steppenwolf, but to provide the world a beacon of hope… even though Superman didn’t really inspire anybody in his past two movies. Anyway, the plan backfires because Supes comes back full of rage, but he immediately calms down after Batman brings Lois onto the scene. Gee, it’s a good thing that the Flash traveled back in time and vaguely told Batman that Lois was the key… which he never actually did in this movie. Ah well, we’re sure everything will make sense once the Snyder Cut comes out, right? Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions. “28 Weeks Later” (2007) The Last Time You Saw Your Wife She Was Attacked By Zombies, So Kiss Her! “Truth or Dare” (2018) Sure, Let’s Go to an Abandoned Church With a Stranger to Play Truth or Dare! “Æon Flux” (2015) Why Would You Give Someone Hands for Feet?
#1: “The Room” (2003)
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We feel like “The Room” was Tommy Wiseau’s attempt to prove to the world how amazing he is. And in a weird way, amazing is the right word. The logic in this cult film boggles the mind. Why did Johnny and Lisa decide to have sex while Denny was over? Why did Denny interrupt them? Why didn’t the flower shop clerk recognize Johnny? Why did Michelle and Mike hook up at Johnny’s apartment in the middle of the day? Why does Mark always look surprised whenever Lisa comes on to him? Did Denny ever pay off Chris-R? Why does nobody care when Claudette gets breast cancer? Who plays football wearing tuxes? We don’t understand any of this… and that’s why we love it!
