Top 10 Most Savage House Comebacks
#10: Aliens
“Cane & Able”
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The truth is out there. In this episode, House’s team gets a young patient who is seemingly abducted by aliens, after experiencing a strange event in his room and ending up on his front lawn. Naturally, House and most of his team are skeptical. However, Dr. Robert Chase is a bit more open-minded. The Australian doctor wants to believe, citing the vastness of the universe as evidence of the likelihood that we’re not alone. However, House is ready with a witty rejoinder about how humanity is still unique in one respect.
#9: Sounds Familiar
“Living the Dream”
Hospital inspections would probably be stressful enough in any hospital. However, Princeton-Plainsboro has House running around. And wouldn’t you know it, the guy has kidnapped his favorite soap opera star while the inspection is taking place! While he manages to stay out of the inspector’s way for most of his time there, House eventually runs into him in the morgue. When the inspector, Dr. Jamie Conway, hits House with a familiar social nicety, House responds with a legendarily sarcastic response. Given how many people’s names are also common nouns, here’s hoping you can use this line the next time someone says this to you!
#8: Love & Hate
“Occam's Razor”
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House and Dean of Medicine Dr. Lisa Cuddy have a contentious relationship. Among the many things they argue over is House’s shirking of his hours at the hospital clinic. Even when he does show up, his attitude about it often puts patients off. However, as much as he gets to her, so too does she get to him. After a particularly contentious meeting between the two of them, House is questioned about their apparently fractious chemistry. House responds with his own opinion on the old expression about the thin line between love and hate. It’s a great line - though given his and Cuddy’s eventual romantic relationship, maybe it’s not exactly accurate in this case.
#7: Easiest Diagnosis
“Que Será Será”
As we stated, House hates being forced to do clinic duty. And given some of the obnoxious and downright stupid things he hears from patients, it’s pretty understandable. One of the gold standard examples of the latter comes in the form of a man who comes in complaining of arm pain. Except, the man’s arms only hurt in very specific circumstances - after he’s slept on them at night. House’s blunt and sarcastic response to the man is priceless! If only all his diagnoses could be this simple and easily treatable!
#6: Working Hard
“Remorse”
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When House goes through therapy, one of the things he needs to do is reach out to people he’s wronged. However, given his abrasive personality, that’s a long list. To that end, House decides to reach out to Lorenzo Wibberly, a guy whose tests he switched with in school. But Wilson thinks his friend has more to apologize to Cuddy for. Through their conversation, Wilson realizes it’s because House cares for her more and thus finds it more difficult. House, eager to end the discussion, comes up with a dynamite, though childish and transparent excuse.
#5: Urgent Call
“Both Sides Now”
Speaking of excuses, another quarrel between House and Cuddy leads to another fantastic one. To annoy each other, both of them send an eccentric, elderly patient, Eugene Schwartz, to bother one another. His complaints that he’s “squawking” prove amusing, even if it does end up being something serious. However, the childishness of House and Cuddy treating him like a yo-yo means that the former gives out House’s phone number to Eugene. To avoid speaking to him, House decides to use not just one phone excuse, but combine all of them into one! Truly, the man’s a genius!
#4: Bet
“Fools For Love”
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When a woman is unable to breathe during a robbery, she and her husband turn to House. House wants to recreate the stressful moment to induce a reaction. Foreman objects, and House decides they should make it interesting with a wager. During the test, there’s a reaction all right - but from her husband, not her. Foreman objects when House insists that he pay up for the bet they didn’t make. However, House’s hilariously juvenile argument is compelling. After all, Foreman does give him the hundred bucks. Maybe we should try this sometime…
#3: Bonus Points
“Humpty Dumpty”
It’s rare, but sometimes the main characters bring House cases themselves. In this case, Cuddy’s handyman, Alfredo, falls off her roof, and two of his fingers turn darker. Cuddy takes the case to House, who offers several potential diagnoses, along with some other cutting remarks on Cuddy’s appearance. After she thanks him, due to how long Alfredo has worked with her, House drops a line that nearly perfectly sums up his character — sarcastic, irreverent, and somewhat impersonal. [quote] The same episode has another winning comeback later on, but of the more immature variety. However, it’s a little simple, comparatively.
#2: Medical Limitations
“Sleeping Dogs Lie”
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In this episode, the team treats Hannah, a woman with extreme insomnia. As her condition deteriorates, it becomes clear that she needs a liver transplant. Fortunately, her girlfriend Max is a match. Unfortunately, Hannah was planning to break up with her. Although Dr. Cameron wants to tell Max or get Hannah to, the transplant goes through with Max seemingly none the wiser. Ultimately though, House diagnoses Hannah with a truly unexpected disease - the Black Plague. After delivering the news, he offers both reassurances and a wicked burn, adding insult to infection.
Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
Either Or, “One Day, One Room”
This One’s a Real Toss-Up!
Fighting, “Knight Fall”
It’s Common Courtesy, Right?
Same Old, Same Old, “Merry Little Christmas”
Well If You’re Just Going to Sum Up the Show Like That…
Bullet, “Euphoria (Part 1)”
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Woe Is Me, “Insensitive”
Who Had It Worse?
#1: “Out” With It
“The Mistake”
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After a patient dies after seeing House’s team, it turns out that Chase may have made a costly mistake with her results. He’s sued for malpractice over her death. House digs deeper and learns that Chase learned of his own father’s death as the patient came in to get a test, leaving him distracted. Given that House was aware that Chase’s dad was sick, he feels responsible too. And given that his ex, Stacy, is the hospital’s lawyer, he doesn’t feel like sharing. When Stacy confronts him over this, House comes up with a hysterical secret to be hiding instead of the real reason. He came up with that awfully quickly…
