Top 10 Broadway Songs That Haven't Aged Well
#10: “Why Can’t the English?” “My Fair Lady”
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The musical “My Fair Lady” drew criticism even in the 1950s for its dim view of women’s rights–particularly the final scene, in which the rebellious heroine meekly fetches her husband’s slippers. However, the most appalling number in the show isn’t really that sexist; it’s just generally repugnant. In “Why Can’t the English?,” our leading man dismisses birth and circumstance as irrelevant, claiming that it’s only their speech mannerisms that keep the British lower-class in poverty. He mocks not only his own countrymen, but the speech habits of people all over the world; the crowning moment of classism is when he says that a nearby woman should be killed “for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!”
#9: “Shipoopi” “The Music Man”
If you saw this word and thought, “What the heck is that?” you’re not alone; the title of this song from “The Music Man” is as nonsensical as the song itself. However, for a silly dance number sung by the comic relief character, it’s surprisingly sexist. A shipoopi–presumably the singer’s ideal woman–is described as a girl “who’s hard to get.” So the song begins by warning gentlemen that a woman who kisses a man on the first date is “usually a hussy,” and advises them to find one who waits to kiss until the third date. However, this bit of shaming is tame, compared to later in the song, when the narrator advocates squeezing the woman “when she isn’t looking!”
#8: “I Cain’t Say No” “Oklahoma!”
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“Oklahoma!” has several problematic moments, but this song is undoubtedly one of the worst. Instead of a man shaming women, in “I Cain’t Say No,” the woman conveniently shames herself. She enjoys romance and spending time with men, but constantly feels guilty about it, probably because the people in her community (our heroes) are judgmental and insular. When a man kisses her, she “somehow, sorta, [wants to] kiss him back!” …And everyone present gasps in horror. The number is intended to be humorous, but there’s a dark undertone: the character doesn’t want to “fall into the pit,” and near the end, she says that by the time she wants to say no… it’s too late. Whoa!
#7: “Ugg-a-Wugg” “Peter Pan”
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This is another title that makes you wonder, “Can that possibly be the title?” Unfortunately, it is–and it’s highly racist to boot. The song occurs in the musical “Peter Pan,” just after Peter and Princess Tiger Lily declare eternal friendship… while smoking a peace pipe. The gist of the song is that they agree to help each other out; but sadly, the writers felt they had to pepper in imaginary words they thought sounded Native American. These mainly consist of nonsense syllables like “Ugh” and “Wah!” “How do we know Tiger Lily and her followers were intended to be Native American?” you may be thinking. Well, the fact that Peter Pan describes her as a “brave noble red skin” is one clue.
#6: “I’m an Indian, Too” “Annie Get Your Gun”
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You can probably guess where this is going. Thankfully cut from the 1999 revival of “Annie Get Your Gun,” this song features Annie Oakley being accepted into a Sioux tribe–which might be okay, were it not for the cringingly awful attempts at humor. Along with the names of some actual Native American tribes and individuals, the song also includes “gag” names such as “Hatchet Face” and “Running Nose.” Some might argue that it’s meant to reflect on Annie’s ignorance, not actual Native American culture; but since the Sioux characters in the show just sit there and take it, we think it’s safe to recommend that this number be relegated to the dustbin of Broadway history.
#5: “Dance: Ten; Looks: Three” “A Chorus Line”
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This charming little ode to plastic surgery is from “A Chorus Line,” a show about aspiring Broadway actors. It has an alternate title based on repeated words in the song, but… let’s just say, we would need a “Mature” rating to use it. The character singing the number describes an audition where she scored high for dancing, but low for appearance; this made her decide to get surgically “enhanced” in–certain places. After that, she apparently became far more desirable, both in acting and romance. While cynically speaking, the song may be realistic, but having this body-shaming message set to such bouncy, upbeat music is pretty jarring.
#4: “I Enjoy Being a Girl” “Flower Drum Song”
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The 1958 musical “Flower Drum Song” tells the story of a Chinese-American man’s struggles between culture and love, and there are some problematic Asian stereotypes. However, the offenses of “I Enjoy Being a Girl” are somewhat universal. A young female character gushes about how much she loves fancy clothing, makeup, and of course, young men–specifically, a young man whose home she can take care of. It’s hard to say which is worse, the writing or the message; the song is full of awkward phrasing and terrible rhymes like “female” and “brave and free male,” or “hairdo” and “clouds on air do.” While the meaning has been re-appropriated to have more of a feminist slant, the whole song basically says, “This is how girls should be, and if you’re different, you’re wrong.”
#3: “Summer Nights” “Grease”
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The musical “Grease” is still popular after fifty years, but unfortunately, this number just doesn’t hold up. “Summer Nights” starts off innocently enough, with two high school students describing how they got into a little romance over the break. However, just how much romance went on is somewhat unclear. According to the girl, they stayed out late and held hands. According to the boy… well, a lot more happened than that. Maybe he’s just bragging to impress his friends, because from their questions, it’s clear what they most care about: “Did you get very far?” and worse, “Did she put up a fight?” Kids, don’t let your summer nights end in assault.
#2: “Sobbin’ Women” “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”
“Seven Brides for Seven Brothers” is famous for its rampant misogyny; with song titles like “A Woman Ought to Know Her Place” and “Bless Your Beautiful Hide,” it’s not hard to understand why. However, “Sobbin’ Women” is beyond sexist–it’s downright scary. The character who sings it basically tells his version of the story of “The Abduction of the Sabine Women.” Yes, really. Except in this version, instead of the women only agreeing to marry their kidnappers to prevent a terrible war, the women are none too upset about being abducted… quite the opposite, actually. And the worst part is, this song gives the brothers the idea to go out and kidnap a bunch of young women from their village! Before we unveil our top pick, here are a couple dishonorable mentions: “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid,” “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum” By “Maid” in This Song, They Mean “Young Woman Who Is Happy to Pleasure Older Men Whenever They Want” “Happy to Keep His Dinner Warm,” “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” It Sure Is Fun Keeping House, Making Dinner, & Being Ignored by Your Husband, Isn’t It?
#1: “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” “Gigi”
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Okay, this is a worrisome title, so let’s start off by saying that this song was not originally intended to be creepy. Even now, if it were sung by a character who was, say, a new father, it might possibly work. However, as it is… it sounds wrong. Very wrong. The singer is an elderly man who has no children, but really admires young girls–maybe a little too much. And unfortunately, with lines like “every time I see a little girl of five or six or seven, I can’t resist a joyous urge,” and “those little eyes, so helpless and appealing,” the song really makes him sound like a predator.
