Another Top 10 Stupidest Lyrics

For all the world class wordplay that rap music has given us, the genre is also an unrelenting goldmine of terrible lines. In between the quite nauseating refrain of ‘look at my daddy’, this David Banner tune turns sex into something really quite undesirable. The guy is surely trying to big himself up, but if your bedroom antics are comparable to your gas station routine, that can’t be good. Either Mr. Chainz regularly gets his nozzle stuck, or he finishes quite quickly, or he pays a little less for self-service. You decide!

Judging by our next lyric, it’s a wonder that Redman (the lyricist in question) is able to count the five boroughs in the song title. Because, assuming that the rapper has at least one paragraph in each of the 12 songs he mentions, he should be scoring 60 mics. So what happened to the other 24 mics?? Or does Redman only contribute seven and a seventh paragraphs to the 12 songs? Who even knows anymore!? Mathematically speaking, when Redman rocks the mic, he rocks the mic wrong.

In this Chili Peppers number, frontman Anthony Kiedis takes us all across the planet on some kind of spiritual journey, which mostly involves the women he’s met at various places. It’s all going well until the last chorus, when he suddenly slips into a nonsensical splurge of weirdness. He ‘knows it’, and he ‘knows it for sure’… But no one else understands it at all. Life is beautiful around the world, but that doesn’t make a ding dong dang bit of difference, because we’re just really, really confused.

Our next lyric is ludicrous on so many levels. First, there’s the bare-faced banality of it. Together equals one, separate equals two; it’s like a first grade math problem wrapped up in a painful attempt to be poetic. Second, this lyric and record contributed to Milli Vanilli somehow winning a Grammy! Third, and finally, in 1989 it was revealed that Vanilli didn’t even sing the stupid lyric in the first place and that the whole act was actually a sham. Suffice to say, the Grammy was rescinded. But the lyric will forever be remembered. I mean, I guess we could “blame it on the rain”, but should we?

On the face of it, this band has it all; pool parties, cool cars, blonde highlights and barely dressed women. There’s break dancing, boyish tomfoolery and DJ sound effects. But, no matter how hard LFO try, they’re just not rock ‘n’ roll, or even close to being so. And with sickly similes like this, is it any wonder!? Like two dolphins in the oceans of your hearts? Come on guys, you’re meant to be musicians. That kind of stuff isn’t even worthy for a reject pile of Valentine’s Day cards.

Talk about stating the obvious. This line definitely wasn’t Van Halen’s greatest moment, nor was it their moment of greatness. All it really is, is an exercise in saying the same thing twice in a slightly different way. Ironically, the line before this one refers to ‘fools rushing in’, which must be a turn of phrase appropriate for whichever creative process contributed to the penning of this lyric. We’re really hoping that this was written in a hurry, because if it wasn’t then it’s even more unforgivable and unable to be forgiven.

Being alive in the twenty-first century, you’d expect Rick Ross to know at least a little bit about the internet. But here he’s a little confused about which website is which. We can only assume that the big-time rapper wants to be on people-powered Wikipedia. But instead, he’s listed himself with a globally recognised low-cost travel company. Which isn’t a brilliant move for any high-ballin’ hip-hop superstar, unless he’s merely bragging about how much money he saved on his last vacation. But somehow, that seems highly doubtful.

As one of the most successful pop acts ever, the Backstreet Boys are well-acquainted with the top 10. But this is nothing to be proud of. The opening line to a love song is often something poignant, intense or ambiguous. This one is trying to be all three, and failing miserably. The ‘empty holes’ and ‘spaces’ are so cheesy, they literally put you in mind of a slab of well-matured Swiss. It’s no wonder that in the video the band symbolically clutches at sand, and drops to their knees in emotional agony… Clearly they’ve just realised how senseless they sound.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

‘Touch my bum. This is life’
“The Cheeky Song (Touch my Bum)” (2002) by The Cheeky Girls

‘I like them black, white, Puerto Rican or Haitian. I like Japanese, Chinese or even Asian’
“Balla Baby” (2004) by Chingy

‘Shorty just text me, says she want to sex me. LOL smiley face. LOL smiley face’
“LOL :-)” (2009) by Trey Songz feat. Gucci Mane and Soulja Boy Tellem

‘But don’t fuck up with Wayne, ‘cause when it Waynes it pours’
“How to Hate” (2011) by Lil Wayne feat. T-Pain

‘I kick plenty of ass, so call me an astronaut’
“Keep Their Heads Ringin’” (1995) by Dr. Dre

‘Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane’
“Love the Way You Lie” (2010) by Eminem feat. Rihanna

Never in Kanye West’s most beautiful, most twisted fantasies could he possibly have imagined a lyric as stupid as this. Rapped as part of West’s ‘posse cut’ 2010 “Monster” collaboration, it sees Nicki Minaj boast about the money she’s making, but also underline the ‘way with words’ that she clearly doesn’t have. If that’s the double entendre she was going for, then fair play we guess. Minaj goes around dissin’ ‘stupid hoes’, then earns her fame by chanting ‘ass’ on repeat. She gets her just desserts with this cheesecake-covered top spot.


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