Top 10 Times Newman Went Full Newman
#9: Solving Elaine Benes’ Barking Dog Problem
“The Engagement”
A neighbor’s barking dog is robbing Elaine of much-needed sleep, and, once again, it’s Newman to the…um…rescue…? Kramer suggests Newman as a means to have the dog captured and moved, and Elaine, despite hesitance, agrees. What’s so quintessentially “Newman” is how he relishes the wicked task, puffing his cigarette like a Bond villain and reflexively ranting about how dogs are “vile and useless.” What’s more, when the dog finds its way home and leads the police to the kidnappers, Newman cryptically expects the arrest. He even assures Kramer and Elaine that a swarm of mailmen will have them back on the streets shortly. We’re more than a little curious about Newman’s enigmatic connections to the mail carrier underworld…
#8: Busting Jerry Seinfeld for Making Out During “Schindler’s List”
“The Raincoats: Part 2”
Remember getting in trouble for making out at the movies? Imagine that shame following you into adulthood. Such is Jerry’s fate when he and his girlfriend are starving for alone time from his visiting parents. During a screening of “Schindler’s List,” they succumb to a session of passionate necking, which is unfortunately witnessed by none other than Newman. With all the glee of a grade school snitch, Newman’s first stop is to see Jerry’s parents to tell them about what he witnessed. He begins with a coy hint, upgrades to the blunt tattle, and ends with a rascally delivered, “You didn’t hear this from me.” Newman clearly will seize any opportunity available to ruin Jerry’s day, no matter how juvenile.
#7: When He Crushed Hardcore on Elaine
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Various
He might be a “mystery wrapped in a Twinkie,” but one secret Newman lets us in on is the crush he harbors for Elaine. In the Season 8 episode, “The Soul Mate,” Newman reveals he is a talented poet at heart when he offers lyrical lines to Kramer to help him woo Jerry’s girlfriend, “Cyrano de Bergerac” style. When Jerry asks him to stop, Newman agrees, in exchange for advice on courting Elaine. Though the infatuation’s origins are unclear, Newman exhibits, on multiple occasions, that he will go to extremes for love, even ready to go as far as to get a vasectomy. When this postman’s passions are high, whether ruthless or romantic, he assuredly pulls no half measures.
#6: When He Was the “White Whale”
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“The Scofflaw”
A modern-day Ahab in “Seinfeld’s” Manhattan takes the form of a meter cop with an eyepatch. His white whale: a “scofflaw” with a brown sedan that’s been accumulating parking violations and evading capture for years. Leave it to Kramer to unearth the perpetrator’s identity as our favorite stocky postal worker. When confronted, Newman breaks down from living a life looking over his shoulder. He goes on to weep even harder when the judge decrees the car be kept in a garage at his own expense else it be impounded. It seems Newman’s mischief makes him a gnawing thorn not only in Jerry’s paw. And when in trouble, his response will always be flight or flare-for-the-dramatic.
#5: Driving Bottles to Michigan for an Extra Five Cents
“The Bottle Deposit”
How far would you go for an extra nickel? When Newman learns that New York bottles can be returned for five additional cents in Michigan, he obsessively crunches numbers in hopes of financial gain. Though Kramer insists it’s an impossible task, Newman gets a Mother’s Day mail route that’ll take him through the Great Lake State, with free gasoline. With calculations in their favor and a Christmas sleigh’s worth of recyclables, they hit the road together in pursuit of that glorious marginal profit. It’s comical to note that Kramer had previously thought of this scheme, but long given up. Yet it was the lightbulb over Newman’s head that ignited the adventure, wonderfully showcasing how Newman so perfectly plays Sancho Panza to Kramer’s Don Quixote.
#4: Going to Trial Over a Speeding Ticket
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“The Ticket”
Once again, Newman injects the mundane with a hyperbolic level of drama. When he incurs a seventy-five-dollar speeding ticket, he stubbornly takes his case to trial in order to subvert the fine. Claiming he was in a hurry to stop a friend from taking his own life, Newman enlists Kramer to play the part of said friend. The scheme goes awry when Kramer forgets the alibi mid-questioning, due to temporary amnesia resulting from a recent head injury. The most entertaining part is Newman’s invention of an elaborate backstory, involving Kramer’s father and a lifelong aspiration to be a banker. It seems someone has taken one too many acting classes.
#3: The Keith Hernandez Magic Loogie Theory
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“The Boyfriend”
Picture it: June 14th, 1987, when the lives of Kramer and Newman would be changed forever. For on that fateful day, they were spit on by Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez. Well, allegedly. Jerry points out, with in-depth analysis, that details of the boys’ story don’t add up. If the spit had occurred as they claimed, it would have required magical abilities. Viewers might catch that this scene is a parody of Oliver Stone’s “JFK,” which also features Newman actor Wayne Knight, a Seinfeldian version of the famous assassination conspiracy. The whole ordeal is silliness taken seriously in classic Newman fashion. But was there REALLY a second spitter? We may never know…
#2: Interrogating Jerry for Mail Fraud
“The Package”
Jerry tries to cheat the system with an insurance claim on a broken stereo. Newman, however, won’t let Jerry get away with it, flagging the claim for suspected mail fraud. Newman then proceeds to go full detective, subjecting Jerry to interrogation tactic clichés. Unfortunately, he forgets that the spotlight belongs on the interviewee, not the interviewer, and this becomes especially clear when Jerry takes a sip from a cold soda that makes him “quite comfortable.” Newman does eventually bust Jerry with help of photographic evidence, though the punishment is no more than a small fine. We guess he’ll take whatever wins he can get. Did you notice Newman using a clicker for the photographic evidence, even though it wasn’t a slideshow? The subtlety of his buffoonery knows no bounds.
Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.
Newman “The Cleaner,” “The Muffin Tops”
Too Many Muffin Bottoms? Who You Gonna Call?
Tempted by Cannibalism, “The Butter Shave”
One Butter Shave Too Many & You Might End Up on Newman’s Dinner Table
Newman Hates Broccoli, “The Chicken Roaster”
Two Words: “Vile Weed!”
Being the Harbinger of Fleas, “The Doodle”
What Else Would He Bring but Candy Wrappers & Parasites?
An Epic Game of “Risk,” “The Label Maker”
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From Apartments to the Subways of New York, You Never Disturb World Conquest
#1: When He Forewarns of Jerry’s Downfall
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“The Finale”
We were choking on our snacks too when we saw Newman’s hysterical reaction to “The Finale’s” unforgettable verdict. But the moment that epitomized our love/hate relationship with the character was this one. After learning that NBC had granted Jerry and the gang a private jet, they elect to fly to Paris, and Newman desperately pleads to go along. Jerry of course refuses, and that’s when Newman unleashes all the fury that encompasses their arch rivalry. With Shakespearean fervor, he bellows a warning of Jerry’s doom, using epic imagery like a blowing, evil wind. Newman stands tall with evil jubilation, and shows us one final time why he’s the perfect Lex Luthor to Jerry’s Superman.
