What If Michael Myers Were Real?
What If Michael Myers Were Real?
Michael Myers Vs Leatherface
Since making his debut in 1978, Michael Myers has carved out his place in popular culture as a modern Boogeyman. On one hand, you can see why, what with his mountainous build, freakish strength, and creepy William Shatner mask. On the other hand, the Boogeyman is often depicted as a mystical creature whereas Michael Myers is fairly grounded in reality… at least that’s how he started out. As the “Halloween” franchise progressed, Michael became powerful to the point that all believability was thrown out the window. Surviving several gunshots to the chest and falling off a balcony is one thing; surviving a gunshot to the head and an explosion on the same night is quite another. As if his invincible nature isn’t inconceivable enough, the franchise eventually took the supernatural route, revealing that Michael is driven to kill his family members due to the Curse of Thorn. This plot point was so poorly received that later “Halloween” films returned to the more realistic version of Michael – and for good reason. Part of what made John Carpenter’s original horror classic so chilling was because Michael felt like a psychopath who could exist in our world. Carpenter actually derived inspiration for the evil within Michael during a college course trip to a Kentucky mental institution. While there, Carpenter encountered a young male patient around 12 or 13 who he described as having “a real evil stare on his face” reminiscent of “the devil.” In the original film, we’re introduced to a six-year-old Michael as he brutally murders his teenage sister Judith with a knife. If Michael was an actual person, news outlets would likely compare him to other juvenile killers who made headlines. Michael’s act of Sororicide (killing one’s sister), is similar to a 2017 case in which thirteen-year-old Paris Bennett murdered his four-year-old half-sister with a kitchen knife. While it’s haunting to even think about, homicidal tendencies have surfaced in numerous young people throughout history, including ten-year-olds Robert Thompson and Jon Venables, who abducted, tortured, and murdered two-year-old James Bulger. Just as Myers resembles many real-life psychopaths and sociopaths, one can’t help but wonder if he would inspire other killers to put on a white mask and go around killing babysitters on Halloween. From Jack the Ripper to the Zodiac Killer, some of history’s most infamous serial killers have influenced copycat crimes. Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman has noted a link between replicated crimes and the way the media sensationalizes murders, and there’s little doubt that Myers would be all over the news. You could even argue that Myers has already impacted actual crimes. When Richard Delmer Boyer murdered an elderly couple in 1982, a defense psychopharmacologist claimed that Boyer endured drug-fueled hallucinations triggered by a similar scene in “Halloween II.” You don’t need to take a psych class to know that Myers has some serious issues. If a psychiatrist dug deep into Michael’s mind, however, what would his specific diagnosis be? Where the original film leaves Myers’ childhood somewhat ambiguous, Rob Zombie’s 2007 “Halloween” remake dedicated a lot more time to Myers’ early years. It’s revealed that he comes from a dysfunctional family and suffered abuse from bullies. This plants the seeds of trauma that turn him into a psychotic killer, not unlike many other mass murderers. Professor Anthony Tobia has pointed out that Myers’ lack of speech is a clear indicator of a conversion disorder that stemmed from murdering his sister. Tobia also cited signs of voyeurism, the practice of getting sexual pleasure from watching others partake in intimate activity. However you classify his mental disorder, there’s little doubt that Myers is a psychopath, which can be difficult and perhaps even impossible to treat. While we’re on the subject of pathology, we can only hope that a real world Michael would have better doctors and security keeping an eye on him. In the event that Myers did escape from his sanitarium, however, avoiding him may be easier than you may think. For starters, we’d suggest that you go rent “Scream” and follow all of Randy’s rules for surviving a horror movie. In short, no sex, no drinking or drugs, and no saying, “I’ll be right back.” When it comes to Myers in particular, there are a few other things to keep in mind. Where some movie monsters can strike any time of the year, Myers mostly limits himself to Halloween. So you can plan accordingly for an attack if you live anywhere near the mental hospital where Myers is being held. We’d suggest spending October 31 either out of town or in your house with the doors locked, windows boarded up, and alarm system ready to send strangers packing. Don’t even think about throwing a Halloween party or going trick-or-treating. Speaking of which, dressing as Michael for Halloween wouldn’t be the best idea as it could lead to potentially fatal confusion. On top of that, Michael is known for only targeting members of his own family. Granted, he’s killed plenty of people that don’t share his blood, but most of his victims had some sort of connection to the Strode family or just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. There have also been those who’ve attempted to fight back against Myers, which rarely ends well. The best way to avoid Myers is to avoid his family entirely, immediately taking you out of the line of danger. What if you’re related to Myers, though? Perhaps the best course of action would be to move overseas. Myers may be relentless, but he’d stick out like a sore thumb at an airport and would never make it past security with his mask on. Plus, we doubt that he’d have the necessary identification or the funds to book a flight. Then again, Myers could always sneak onto an airplane by stowing away in the landing gear. It worked for a sixteen-year-old who successfully hitched a ride from California to Hawaii in 2014. Just to be on the safe side, any living relatives of Michael should spend Halloween locked in an impregnable bunker loaded with weapons with a security team on standby. It may be overkill, but that’s what Myers is all about. Considering all the pain and suffering Myers has caused, some would likely suggest giving him the death penalty. While the insanity plea has always provided Myers with a loophole, how many people does he need to kill before the court throws the book at him? Given how much Myers has already survived, however, there’s no guarantee that the electric chair or lethal injection would finish him for good. If his track record proves anything, it’s that there’s only one way to kill Michael Myers: low ticket sales. Then again, even if people stop paying to see his movies, that still probably won’t prevent Hollywood from resurrecting him again in a reboot.
