Top 10 WTF Talent Shows

#10: “The X Factor” (2004-18)

While it’s the pinnacle of TV talent shows, paving the way for all the ones that came after it following Simon Cowell’s successful dry run with “Pop Idol”, it hasn’t exactly aged well. The series quickly came to be dominated by its auditions, with people often enjoying the audition episodes more than the actual competition. In hindsight, though, and in the wake of various scandals about reality TV aftercare, it’s clear that publicly mocking these people was a product of its time. The programme seemed to have no sense of responsibility for its contestants, with even the successful ones sometimes going off the rails. Some well-known faces from the auditions, like Ariel Burdett, have even taken their own lives.

#9: “The Jump” (2014)

There were actually four series of “The Jump” over on Channel 4, despite the hazards involved. Stars were challenged to learn and compete in winter sports, but as you’re probably aware, winter sports are some of the most dangerous ones out there. Though it was named for ski jumping, they also had to do skeleton, snowskating, and others. As you may have guessed, injuries were rampant. The show was roundly panned, but even if it had been good, it’s doubtful it would have survived for too long given the damage done. Even Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle had a terrible time, eventually suing the producers over a serious back injury she suffered that required surgery.

#8: “The Masked Singer” (2020-)

What’s more dystopian than us all sitting around trying to guess which random celebrity is in the silliest costume imaginable while the world gets progressively worse around us? Based on a South Korean programme, “The Masked Singer” is like “The Voice” multiplied tenfold, with a line-up of judges possibly even more random than the contestants themselves – many of them, like Jonathan Ross, with absolutely no singing ability of their own. To make matters worse, they even let professional singers compete; Danny Jones from McFly managed to win one year, which hardly seems fair when he’s going up against C-list actors and football commentators.

#7: “Pooch Perfect” (2021)

Based on an Australian programme that was also poorly received and short-lived, the British version of “Pooch Perfect” was hosted by Sheridan Smith. But even Smith, beloved as she is, couldn’t get people to tune in to watch competitive dog grooming. On the face of it, you can see the justification for the show; Brits love dogs and we love watching dog shows, with millions watching Crufts each year. But there’s just not enough meat here to make it a worthwhile show, with the public largely uninterested in the intricacies of dog grooming. It’s also quite hard to tell when somebody’s done a good job and when they’ve done a bad job, especially when all the contestants are already professionals.

#6: “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?” (2006)

In the first talent show collaboration between Andrew Lloyd Webber and the BBC – we’ll get to the others later – he was opening his own spin on “The Sound of Music”, but hadn’t found the right woman to play Maria von Trapp. So, he did what anybody would do, and launched a reality show to find his star. Webber didn’t even go to the first round of auditions, leaving it to his underlings but then complaining about all the girls they picked. Say what you like about Simon Cowell, but at least he’s there for every step of the process in his own programmes. Webber didn’t even turn up half the time, despite having personally invested £4 million in his bombastic revival.

#5: “Tumble” (2014)

Much like “The Jump” tried to get celebrities into ski jumping, this time, they were being asked to learn how to do gymnastics. It was like a subpar “Strictly Come Dancing”, perhaps commissioned because the BBC thought it was getting too reliant on “Strictly” year-in, year-out. Unfortunately, it just didn’t take off, because gymnastics doesn’t have the allure of ballroom dancing. The public is significantly less familiar with acrobatic routines and therefore not as able to tell when a performance is good or bad, which neuters the point since the public are the ones doing the voting. It also wasn’t helped by its vague, non-glamourous title; yes, it’s a gymnastics term, but who wants to imagine celebrities tumbling all over the place?

#4: “I’d Do Anything” (2008)

Another Webber creation, this time, he was trying to cast the perfect Nancy in his revival of “Oliver!”, another musical he didn’t actually write in the first place. While the dozens of Nancys were shipped off to “Nancy Training School” – which they all act like is a completely normal thing – the judges busied themselves trying to find the perfect Oliver. Unlike Nancy, the public wasn’t allowed to vote for Oliver, meaning that the process for the boys was far simpler. After a gruelling contest, Jodie Prenger was announced as the winner; she’s since gone on to do various pantos and appear in “Corrie”.

#3: “The Slammer” (2006-14)

Who doesn’t want to watch a children’s show set in the world’s most lenient prison? A flimsy plot in each episode weaves in the prisoners we’re going to be seeing perform later, all as a pretext for a big talent show where the audience votes by cheering for which act they think should be released from prison. Presented by Ted Robbins in character as The Governor, there was a wide variety of acts, with big names like Lionel Blair and McFly even turning up in episodes to entertain Britain’s children. But it was also a platform for up-and-coming performers; anybody from unicyclists to magicians were welcome in the Freedom Show.

#2: “Any Dream Will Do” (2007)

The second time Andrew Lloyd Webber tried this novel approach to casting, he DID put one of his own musicals in the firing line, trying to find a brand-new Joseph for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”. Perhaps he put one of his own shows on the line following Connie Fisher’s success as Maria, with Lee Mead winning the role of Joseph. It’s still fascinating that there were so many of these programmes and that so many people tuned in, but for a while, British TV was nothing BUT talent shows. He eventually went back to the well of his own oeuvre in 2012 and did a show about “Jesus Christ Superstar”, and another casting the perfect dog to play Toto.

#1: “Splash!” (2013-14)

If you thought skiing celebrities and tumbling celebrities were bad, wait until you hear about diving celebrities. Presented by Gabby Logan and Vernon Kay, accompanied by Tom Daley to demonstrate proper diving technique, a roster of barely-famous faces competed against each other. It had absolutely everyone – Linda Barker, Joey Essex, Gemma Collins, and even former Tory MP Penny Mordaunt. But the only two winners were Eddie the Eagle and Perri Kiely; you’d have to think that as an Olympic ski jumper and a professional dancer respectively, they had a bit of an athletic advantage. The judging panel was just as weird, with Jo Brand inexplicably included. Even she was confused about that.

Let us know in the comments if you’ve ever appeared on a TV talent show.