Top 30 Craziest South Park Fights
#30: Jennifer Lopez vs. Jennifer Lopez
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Back in 2003, “South Park” did a whole episode around Cartman pretending his hand was Jennifer Lopez. Mocking the singer, he spouts off countless Latin stereotypes, and even recorded a music video of her “singing.” The whole gag goes way overboard when the real JLo loses her record deal to Cartman. When she comes to town, we’re treated to a quick, albeit entertaining fight between Eric’s hand and the real deal. With a handful of slaps (pun intended), we can’t help but chuckle at how over-the-top the entire thing is. And Ben Affleck’s adoration of her alter-ego is just the sprinkle on top of this fight sundae.
#29: Black Friday Mall Fight
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We’ve all seen the insane videos and heard the tall tales of Black Friday sale madness. The entire fiasco is mocked relentlessly in a “Game of Thrones”-esque trilogy. Randy takes a job as a mall cop in hopes of getting an inside track on the deals. When he goes outside to give people in line wristbands, the large crowd breaks free and a brawl ensues. We watch as Randy is trampled and the head of security is fatally wounded. It combines the best satire of the real world with a nice jab here and there at the period piece drama.
#28: Stephen Sondheim vs. Randy Marsh
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Randy finds himself creating a Broadway musical after experiencing an enjoyable reward from Sharon after a show in Denver. This draws the ire of the New York Broadway elites. They try to convince him to be far less literal with his songs, but he ignores them. This brings us to a “fight” between Stephen Sondheim and Randy. Even we have to admit that this isn’t so much a fight, but more of an intense stare-down. Much like a schoolyard brawl, a crowd of people surround the two as they circle each other all while trying to goad one another into throwing down. It never goes any further than shouting at each other, but that doesn’t make it any less entertaining.
#27: Boys vs. Girls
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One of the most awkward conversations a parent can have with their children is “the talk.” If there was ever a perfect example of why that chat is important, it’s from “South Park.” After being given terrible advice about contraception, the girls become terrified of the boys in town and build a giant fort to keep them away. When the guys do appear, a huge attack involving nail guns and Molotov cocktails ensues. Between the boomerang to Kenny’s head, and an exposition large enough to shake the town, it’s crazy for all the wrong reasons.
#26: Cartman & Heidi
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Of all the plot twists we’ve seen on “South Park,” Eric Cartman finding himself a girlfriend was certainly one we never saw coming. Having been a happy couple for much of Season 20, it’s during the follow-up where it all falls apart. Multiple episodes showcase several major arguments, which eventually spill out into a full-on physical confrontation. The two are throwing down in the middle of the school hallway, while everyone watches. Cartman wants a boys' night out while Heidi wants her promised date night. Seeing a young couple in a fistfight is surprising enough, but having it end with the two professing their love is even more unexpected.
#25: ManBearPig vs. Satan
In a not-so-subtle allegory for climate change, the citizens learn that ManBearPig is real and they should’ve gotten “cereal” a long time ago. To combat this creature, Al Gore and the boys summon upon the only being who can stop it: Satan. This builds to a brawl between the two hulking red demons, calling the “Hellboy” movies to mind. One would assume that Satan has the upper hand here. We mean, he is the devil. Well, apparently ManBearPig has grown even stronger than the Prince of Darkness himself. Impaled by his own horn, Satan dies and goes to Heaven. Yeah, we’re not sure how that works or who is running hell now. In any case, seeing Satan with wings and a halo is surreally hilarious.
#24: Stan & Kyle
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While outside playing, Stan and Kyle uncover a man frozen in ice and bring him back to town hoping for a reward. This discovery precipitates an ongoing argument between the two boys over all aspects of the new man’s life. From bickering about his name, who found him, and what’s best for their new friend, the two eventually agree to “fight” each other. When it finally does break out, audiences watch as the two fight, then stop, then fight, then stop. Every time “Larry” speaks, they pause their fight, help or listen to him, then continue on. It’s the most untraditional “boy fight” ever depicted and we can’t help but love it.
#23: Mr. Hat vs. Mr. Mackey
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Offering therapy on the bus, Mr. Mackey points out that Garrison uses Mr. Hat as an outlet to confront his deep-seated issues. Mackey seemingly forgets this when Mr. Hat insults his credentials as a counselor. Yanking him off Garrison’s hand, Mackey has a throwdown with Mr. Hat while the students cheer. We’re not sure what’s funnier, that the fight escalates so quickly or that Mackey loses to a puppet. This moment seems to lean towards the theory that Mr. Hat is alive and has a mind of his own. Of course, it’s also possible that Mackey is simply a moron, just like the other adults of “South Park.” Whatever you think, you don’t mess with Mr. Hat.
#22: Jesus vs. Satan
To some, Jesus is the ultimate symbol of good whereas Satan, or the devil, is seen as the opposite. What would a battle between them look like? An army of demons versus a legion of angels? An epic clash of hellfire and holy water? Nah, let’s just put the two in a boxing ring and see who comes out on top. Such was the case for the latter portion of season one’s “Damien” episode. Watching this massive blob of a being go after the son of God is epic indeed. But we love how Satan throws the match just to claim his winnings from everyone’s obvious betting strategies. It’s an unexpected twist to what otherwise was a sorely imbalanced match.
#21: Kenny vs. Kyle's Dad
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In a homage to “Heavy Metal,” the “South Park” animators are given a chance to step out of their usual comfort zone with several fantasy sequences like this. Tripping on cat urine, a cheesed-out Kenny and Gerald fight for a large-breasted woman’s affection. The two go head to head in a gladiator colosseum that really should’ve been censored. The same can be said about their weapons, which include suggestive jousting lances, swords, and battleaxes. The fact that Gerald is only wearing his underwear doesn’t help. In reality, Kenny and Gerald are actually just having a scuffle in a sandbox as onlookers awkwardly watch. No imaginary woman is worth this much trouble. So, the next time you see a puddle of cat urine, just say no.
#20: Mint Berry Crunch vs. Cthulhu
“South Park” gave us another gem when they chose to do a trilogy of episodes mocking all things superhero related. Although we love Mosquito and Tupperware, having the powers of a breakfast cereal mascot, Mintberry Crunch is our favorite. Like the others, he appears to have no real powers at all, but we soon see otherwise during his fight with Cthullu. Only in this animated world would a blast of sugar berry cereal and mint bring such a monstrous enemy to its knees. The sheer idea of conquering a Godzilla-like creature with your morning meal isn’t just crazy, it’s insane. Yet Mintberry Crunch saves the day and gives us a great entry for this list.
#19: Kyley B vs. Snooki
Similar to a previous entry, this one’s less of a fight than it is a confrontation. The entire episode is one massive parody of the “Jersey Shore” franchise. So when we learn Kyle was born in New Jersey, we begin to see changes in him. This comes to a head when “Snooki” goes after the men in town, and Kyle’s inner-Jersey comes out. Akin to Bruce Banner’s Hulk transformation, Kyle goes full-on guido to both verbally and physically harass Snooki to leave the men alone. The argument, the transformation, and ultimately his defeat of Snooki all serve as a reminder not to mess with Kyley B.
#18: Lemmiwinks vs. Wikileaks
Lemmiwinks acts like a regular gerbil and, to a certain extent, he is. Nevertheless, Lemmiwinks frequently finds himself wrapped up in extraordinary circumstances. When gossip is being shared online, the culprit is revealed to be Lemmiwinks’ brother, a rat named Wikileaks. Did this episode steal a page from “The Secret of NIMH 2?” It’s up to the Gerbil King to stop the dastardly rat. What’s built up as a battle for the ages comes down to a couple of rodents succumbing to their animal instincts. The epic buildup makes the lowkey payoff all the more priceless. The Frog King’s commentary also never fails to crack us up. Lemmiwinks emerges victorious and not even bass to mouth can save Wikileaks. Lemmiwinks doesn’t appear very devastated, however.
#17: Coon vs. Coon & Friends
In addition to superhero movies, the “Coon” trilogy parodies “A Clockwork Orange” in this jaw-dropping scene. Lining up for a group shot, Coon and Friends walk down the street in slow motion. At the drop of a hat, though, the Coon goes from marching like Superman to kicking Mosquito like Alex DeLarge. The others are every bit as shocked as the audience with Mintberry Crunch also getting caught in the crossfire. The attack seemingly comes out of nowhere. Of course, the same can be about the violent scene that’s being recreated. What’s especially funny is the aftermath, with the team uncomfortably sitting around a dinner table, conflicted on what to do about their deranged leader. At least Cartman didn’t start reciting “Singin’ in the Rain.”
#16: Robert Smith vs. Mecha-Streisand
Just because Trey Parker and Matt Stone make fun of a celebrity doesn’t necessarily mean that they hate them… unless that celebrity is Barbra Streisand. The “South Park” creators went out of their way to depict Streisand as a monster, even turning her into a Mechagodzilla-like kaiju. Parker in particular can’t stand Steisand’s voice. So, it only makes sense that Streisand would be defeated by a singer who Parker DOES like, Robert Smith - who voices himself here. After taking down Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier, Streisand goes up against The Cure frontman, who takes on the form of a Mothra-like creature. Following a punch to the nose, Smith sends Streisand spiraling into space. Even Jesus praises Smith as humanity’s savior, which is pretty high praise.
#15: Tweek vs. Craig
Although Tweek and Craig don’t really have anything against each other, their classmates convince them to fight. With Tweek taking up boxing and Craig learning sumo, the two finally square off in a schoolyard brawl. The fight results in Kenny’s death, while Tweek and Craig are sent to the hospital… where they duke it out some more. Even more amusing than the fight itself is the aftermath. This episode presumably led to the ‘ship “Creek,” as well as a plethora of fan art. Over fifteen years after this episode aired, the creators decided to canonize the ‘ship. Tweek and Craig might have started off as bitter rivals (kind of), but now they’re among South Park’s cutest couples. It’s funny how things work out that way.
#14: Mickey Mouse vs. the Jonas Brothers
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Although Disney is often associated with family-friendly wholesomeness, occasionally we can’t help but wonder if something more devious is happening behind the mouse ears. Having reservations about their purity rings, the Jonas Brothers are paid a visit from their boss and we’re not talking about Bob Iger. The name Mickey Mouse is never said out loud - perhaps to avoid a lawsuit - but it’s clear who’s being parodied here. When Joe stands up to Mickey about wearing purity rings, the Mouse responds with a punch below the belt and a few kicks to the face. This foul-mouthed, unhinged portrayal is an uproarious contrast to how we usually perceive Mickey. It’s going to be very strange if Disney owns “South Park” one day.
#13: Michelle Obama vs. Childhood Obesity
In order to one-up Honey Boo Boo, Cartman challenges her to a wrestling match… with spaghetti, naturally. The trashy fight takes place at the First Lady’s Symposium on Obesity where Cartman runs over his opponent several times with his mobility scooter. Once James Cameron raises the bar, however, everyone comes to their senses and realizes how tasteless this is. Michelle Obama thus makes it her mission to fight against childhood obesity, which is taken quite literally. She starts punching Cartman in the face and destroys his scooter. Just when you thought that Mrs. Obama couldn’t get any cooler.
#12: A Fistful of Theoretical Dollars
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“The Spirit of Christmas,” which provided the basis for “South Park,” was among the Internet’s first viral videos - long before YouTube was even a thing. So, it’s only fitting that “South Park” would bring together some of the most iconic internet stars for the ultimate battle. The boys cross paths with Chocolate Rain, Tron Guy, Star Wars Kid, Afro Ninja, the “Leave Britney Alone” Guy, Sneezing Panda, “Numa Numa,” and Dramatic Gopher (who’s actually a Dramatic Chipmunk for the record). This bizarre collection of characters begin to debate who’s the biggest sensation and faster than you can say, “What What (In the Butt),” all hell breaks loose. Judging from the bloody outcome, Laughing Baby and Lonelygirl15 are the only ones who may have survived.
#11: Cartman vs. Kyle
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Cartman and Kyle are always arguing, which sometimes leads to physical confrontations. Cartman continually threatened to beat up Kyle on a mission to Canada, only for him to start whining over one mild punch. Though punches were also thrown when Cartman purposely gave Kyle HIV, their rivalry was arguably more appropriately represented in their earlier fight over “Family Guy.” Although it looks like a heated battle is about to commence, we’re suddenly reminded that Kyle and Cartman are just little boys. Thus, their fight mainly consists of slapping and time-outs. Nevertheless, the face-off takes them through the “King of the Hill” building and across the studio lot. Cartman seemingly secures his victory with a cheap shot, but Kyle has another animated kid in his corner.
#10: PC Principal Beats Up Cartman
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Now more than ever, there seems to be a war raging between PC culture and politically incorrect humor. “South Park” materializes this ongoing debate in a confrontation between PC Principal and Cartman. Never one to back down from a challenge, Cartman believes that he can get rid of the strict principal by framing him. His threats don’t faze PC Principal, who’s more outraged that Cartman used works like “capiche” and “spokesman.” Cartman’s microaggressions spark a major backlash with PC Principal slamming him against the bathroom wall. This isn’t so much a fight as it is a one-sided beating that ends with Cartman in hospital. If people could throw real punches on social media, we imagine that most arguments would look like this.
#9: Russell Crowe vs. the World
Parker and Stone befriended Russell Crowe while they were picking up awards for “Bigger, Longer & Uncut.” That didn’t stop them from making fun of his infamous temper, however. In a “Crocodile Hunter”-like show, Crowe travels the world, picking fights for no good reason. When one fight gets cut short, Crowe takes out all of his rage on the editor. As extreme as this sounds, something similar reportedly occurred in real life when Crowe’s poetry reading was cut from his BAFTA acceptance speech. Following the near-death of his tugboat, Crowe decides to use his fighting gifts for something positive: fighting cancer. Unfortunately, he takes this too literally. Although he’s portrayed as unbalanced and insecure, you may be surprised by Crowe’s reaction to the episode.
#8: Imaginationland Final Battle
How exactly do you describe a battle between virtually every good and evil character ever depicted? Smurfs, Cylons, “Tron” characters, Pinhead, Darth Maul, and even Popeye all get tiny little cameos in the final battle of the “Imaginationland” trilogy. Never in the history of television has “fair use” been pushed to the limit like it was here. But even beyond the countless characters, it’s the use of Butters’ imagination to fight back that makes this all the more entertaining. Who knew we needed an anthropomorphic tube of toothpaste attacking some killer cavities? Knowing this three-part episode was meant to be a movie, we wish we could have seen more.
#7: Cartman vs. Dr. David Nelson
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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. We all know that’s not true, but a little person named Dr. Nelson remains resolute that Cartman’s relentless ridicule can’t get to him. After multiple attempts to teach Cartman sensitivity, Nelson decides to teach him a lesson in the ring. Working on the episode, there was some debate among the writers over who should win the fight. It depends on how you look at it. Cartman clearly gets the best of Nelson, pinning him down and making him beg for mercy. Nelson gets in the final punch, though. This is good enough to satisfy Nelson, although Cartman still finds himself laughing uncontrollably at him. Um… point proven?
#6: Randy vs. The Bat Dad
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We’re pretty sure that they don’t allow beer at Little League Baseball games, but alcohol amounts to several brawls between Randy and rival dads. When the South Park Cows make it to the championship, Randy sees it as his big shot at a nonexistent title. Although Randy is initially intimidated by his trash-talking opponent - the Bat Dad - he musters up the courage and the booze to duke it out. Their big showdown is like the climax of “Rocky,” albeit with two drunken jackasses instead. The brawl costs South Park the game, but all that matters is that Randy went the distance… we guess? Few things are funnier than seeing Randy in his underpants, being carted off by the police, proclaiming, “I thought this was America.”
#5: Let's Fighting Love
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When you’re a kid, simply playing in the backyard can feel more epic than it actually is. This is cleverly personified in this episode, which mixes the traditional “South Park” style with anime action. Things get real, however, when Kenny throws a ninja death star at Butters’ eye. Fearing that Butters will rat them out for playing with ninja weapons, the boys try taking him to the vet, only to be confronted by Craig, Toilken, Clyde, and Jimmy. A ninja battle ensues, complete with a theme song that you probably won’t entirely understand without subtitles. As fast-paced as the action appears, it’s really about as intense as watching a few kids playing Power Rangers. We especially love one passerby’s blank reaction to the childish squabble.
#4: Pwned
Like the aforementioned ninja battle, this fight provides an ingenious contrast between fantasy and reality, thanks in part to Blizzard Entertainment’s cooperation. In the World of Warcraft, the boys have become mighty warriors who are ready to take down the ultimate evil. Outside of the gaming realm, they’ve all let themselves go while their opponent has no life whatever. As is the case with most great games, though, this fight gets us completely invested in what essentially boils down to five people sitting at their computers. The battle even takes a hilariously tragic turn when Randy gives his life to deliver the Sword of a Thousand Truths. This gives them the edge needed to defeat the griefer, which is as gratifying as boss battles get.
#3: Wendy vs. Cartman
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Outside of Kyle, Wendy is the classmate who Cartman probably butts heads with the most. Wendy is pushed over the edge when Cartman makes fun of breast cancer, challenging him to a fight. Although Cartman does everything he can to weasel out of it, the day of reckoning inevitably comes. In what plays out like a cross between “Three O’Clock High” and “Snatch,” Wendy lets out all of her pent-up frustration. While Cartman gets in his fair share of blows as well, Wendy ultimately leaves him in a pile of his own blood and tears. Given Cartman’s especially obnoxious behavior throughout the episode, it’s incredibly satisfying seeing Wendy come out on top. Her reference to Daniel Plainview is a nice touch as well.
#2: America vs. Canada
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When a franchise makes the leap from television to feature film, the stakes need to be raised. “Bigger, Longer & Uncut” does exactly that with an all-out war breaking out between America and Canada. Caught in the middle are the boys in a fight for free speech. While it doesn’t skimp on the laughs, the battle is also surprisingly dramatic at times. Where most of the other fights on this list were relatively low-risk, the whole world is put on the line here when Satan rises. And to think, all of them stemmed from a few kids saying bad words. Profanity saves the day, though, as Cartman unleashes an electrifying tirade. His filthy mouth brings down Saddam Hussein, with a reformed Satan delivering the final blow.
#1: Jimmy vs. Timmy
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As one of the show’s most famous moments, we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention this fight. Despite being friends now, Timmy and Jimmy got off on the wrong foot. Their initial rivalry climaxes with a street scuffle, which somehow manages to be both tense and drawn-out. The clash mirrors Roddy Piper and Keith David’s fistfight in “They Live” almost beat for beat. Since making their debuts, the reception towards Timmy and Jimmy has been largely positive. This is because most episodes focus on their capabilities and nowhere is that more apparent than here. Timmy and Jimmy prove that even if you have a disability, you can still kick ass. Perhaps that’s why this scene stands out, aside from the fact that it’s hysterical.
