Top 10 Worst Things Quagmire Has Ever Done
#10: Sleeping With His Friends’ Families
Various Quagmire’s libido knows few bounds, even when it comes to his friends’ families. He has long pined after Peter’s wife Lois, and even their daughter, Meg. He once tricks Joe into giving him his blessing to sleep with Bonnie, and Cleveland nearly ends their friendship after Quagmire sleeps with his first wife, Loretta. He hasn’t been shy about wanting to sleep with Cleveland’s second wife, either! The bro code isn’t something Quagmire adheres to consistently. In any other group of friends, he’d probably be kicked to the curb faster than he can say “giggity!” Quagmire cuckolding his buddies may be a misdemeanor in Rhode Island, but it’s still more than we can say for some of his other transgressions.
#9: Forcing Ida to Choose Between Him & Brian
“Bri-Da” Quagmire’s relationship with his parents is naturally unhealthy, but it’s especially noticeable with his transgender mother, Ida. When Ida gets back together with Brian, Quagmire reacts with disdain, given his unfettered hatred for the Griffin family dog. His enmity for Brian leads him to demand that Ida choose between her relationship with Brian and him. While Ida does choose her son, Quagmire is still terrible for forcing his mother to forgo her own happiness and for breaking up their relationship. But this isn’t the first or worst thing Quagmire has done to Brian where Ida’s concerned… more on that later.
#8: Faking His Own Death to Get Out of Marriage
“I Take Thee Quagmire” After Quagmire gets married to a maid named Joan, he seemingly changes his entire personality. However, after the old him resurfaces, he quickly comes to regret married life. When he floats the idea of a divorce to Joan, she reacts with threats of violence. Rather than pursue things the legal way, Peter suggests an alternative - faking his own death. Granted, Joan isn’t exactly stable, and Quagmire’s first video attempt at fooling her is admittedly hilarious, faking your death to get away from someone isn’t the best way to deal with an admittedly crazed partner. And Joan’s exit from the show is pretty grim too.
#7: Shooting Peter in the Head
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“Brian’s a Bad Father” During a hunting trip, Peter accidentally shoots Quagmire in the arm. Fed up with Peter’s stupidity, Quagmire severs ties and forces Joe to choose sides in their friendship. Eventually, Peter decides that the only way for them to mend their relationship is for Quagmire to shoot him in the arm - which Quagmire is all too eager to do. When Peter balks, Joe does it instead. And while Peter argues he should shoot Joe now, Quagmire shoots Peter in the head. Just shooting Peter would be bad enough, but it also drops his cognitive abilities far below where they were.
#6: Neglecting His Children
Various Given his promiscuity, Quagmire has dozens if not hundreds of illegitimate children throughout the world. He’s occasionally gotten involved in a few of their lives, briefly caring for a baby named Anna Lee and even taking in his daughter Courtney after meeting her through a typically Quagmire way. But these are brief, one-episode relationships. The rest of his kids he refuses to acknowledge or spend any time with, despite the obvious evidence. In one specific case, we admittedly can kind of understand it - who wants to admit to creating a human-giraffe hybrid?
#5: All the “I Nevers”
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“Perfect Castaway” When Peter’s friends all agree to help him out on his fishing boat, their usual pastime of drinking beers is spiced up when they decide to play “I Never.” For those unfamiliar, you have to drink if you’ve done the thing the other person says they’ve never done. However, Quagmire has done quite a lot! Although we don’t see the full extent of his bizarre and disgusting behaviors, just the fact that he’s done outlandish things with a spider monkey and a Home Depot employee makes the skin crawl. We’re not sure which implication is worse - that Quagmire bragged about these things to his friends or that they may have witnessed some of them! The scene’s still hilarious though.
#4: Arson & Insurance Fraud
“Burning Down the Bayit” After Quagmire and Peter decide to help Mort drum up business for his pharmacy, things quickly go wrong. Quagmire’s horniness distracts him, losing the pharmacy’s banner which causes a bus accident, killing everyone on board. As if mass manslaughter weren’t enough, the duo decides to help Mort recoup his losses by burning the pharmacy down so he can collect on the insurance. If not for Joe’s intervention, all three of them likely would’ve gone down for the arson and fraud charges - still not sure how they got away with the bus, though. Unfortunately, this isn’t the first or last time Quagmire’s libido leads to many deaths.
#3: Killing His Sister’s Boyfriend
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“Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q” After recovering from an asphyxiation injury (it’s exactly what you think), Quagmire gets closer with his sister Brenda - and her boyfriend Jeff. It quickly becomes clear that Jeff is abusive. To that end, Quagmire and the guys invite Jeff on a “nighttime hunting trip” and plan to kill him. Although Jeff manages to briefly outmaneuver them, and attempts to choke Quagmire to death, Quagmire’s tolerance for choking allows him to slip away and run Jeff down with a car. Later, Brenda is distraught when told that Jeff “left her.” Now, we’re not saying that Jeff wasn’t a garbage excuse of a human being. But Quagmire still commits murder.
#2: Beating Up Brian
“Quagmire’s Dad” Quagmire and Brian’s feud has occasionally turned physical, and arguably the worst one of these occurs shortly after Ida’s transitioning. After coming back into town, Brian unknowingly sleeps with Ida. Although Brian’s own reaction to finding out who he was with is pretty bad, Quagmire’s is worse. When he finds out, Quagmire barges into the Griffin home and ruthlessly beats Brian throughout the house. It’s easily assault and animal abuse, and while Quagmire may not face any justice for his actions, at least Brian’s parting words seem to cut deep.
#1: Murdering the Simpsons
“Movin’ Out (Brian’s Song)” Quagmire has done some terrible things. But killing off the Simpsons? That’s real low. In a gag promo for the fellow Fox show, Quagmire assaults, and then enters into an affair with Marge Simpson. Back at the Simpson residence, we watch an exterior shot of the house as Homer catches the two in bed together. This prompts Quagmire to shoot him, and then Marge when she threatens to call the police. And then… all the kids. It’s one of the darker “Family Guy” jokes, and arguably the worst thing Quagmire has ever done. We can see why this bit has only made it into the uncensored versions.
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