Top 20 Best British One Liners

#20: Holly’s IQ

“Red Dwarf” (1988-2020)

This classic sci-fi sitcom is loaded with iconic quips and sharp one-liners. This makes it a challenge to pick only one, but we decided to go for this legendary opening line from the second episode, “Future Echoes.” A recurring joke in the series is that Holly suffers from computer senility, but here he’s claiming to be a genius. This comes back when it’s later revealed in the episode “Queeg” that his IQ is actually 6. That might still be the equivalent to the intellect of 6000 PE teachers, though, so his initial quote may not be completely incorrect.

#19: Carried It off Quite Well

“Not Going Out” (2006-)

This long-running sitcom is so beloved it’s run for 14 seasons and has over 100 episodes, a monumentally huge number for a British series. As it’s written by the top-tier comedian Lee Mack, it’s teeming with his witty one-liners. Rather than picking one he wrote, we chose this moment from the “Ding Dong Merrily on Live” special, which was improvised after Sally Bretton got her line wrong. For a brief moment you can see the pair break character. Mack continues the lines as written, adding a cheeky glance into the camera when one joke accidentally references the blunder.

#18: Clear Conscience

“Yes, Prime Minister” (1986-88)

Few political satires can match the level of quality achieved by “Yes, Minister” and its successor series. It’s loaded with quality moments commenting on the flaws of British politicians. Our favourite has to be this savage line from Sir Humphrey Appleby, aimed at Bernard Woolley. It’s a commentary on how politicians are often perceived as morally flawed in Britain. Who do you think has the greatest lines in this classic 80s sitcom? We personally think Appleby is the most humorous, and the BAFTAs seem to agree, as his actor, Nigel Hawthorne, won four of their awards.

#17: Best in the West

“This Country” (2017-20)

Fred West was a reviled serial killer who was active in the southwest during the 60s, 70s, and 80s. He later became the inspiration for Martin Mucklowe, the father of “This Country”’s main character, Kerry, and the actor who played her, Daisy Cooper. Martin has a ton of hilarious lines that come out of nowhere, such as this one, referencing his time working with Fred West as a builder. It’s one of the series’ most memorable lines, but it was surprisingly ad-libbed by Cooper during a test. They found it so comical they had to include it in the final series.

#16: Slips

“Stath Lets Flats” (2018-21)

Jamie Demetriou released this amazing sitcom about probably the most incompetent letting agent in TV history. The only reason he has the job is that it’s his dad’s business; he’s awful at it. This results in a plethora of exceedingly bad property viewings, where he often destroys the residence. Stath also has a poor grasp of the English language, which they establish isn’t simply because he’s Greek, as he’s terrible at that, too. Out of all his ridiculously nonsensical lines, we enjoy this one the most, where he struggles to explain a floor’s slipperyness.

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#15: Benidorm

“Only Fools and Horses” (1981-96; 2001-03)

This series ran for 64 episodes in total, spread across 22 years. It’s widely considered one of the best British productions ever, so it’s naturally loaded with witty humour. The line we picked doesn’t come from either of the two main lads, but instead from their grandfather, Ted Trotter. It’s about him being excited to visit Benidorm, but having no idea where it is. We can imagine many Brits relating to this quote, whether it’s because of their own lack of interest in geography, or because it reminds them of someone who would say this exact line.

#14: Hairspray

“The Mighty Boosh” (2004-07)

When you ask someone what their favourite episode of this surreal sitcom is, many fans wouldn’t hesitate to say “Nanageddon.” The episode comes halfway through series two, and as the name suggests, it’s about an apocalypse caused by a demonic grandma, Nanatoo. Before they summon her, Vince gives us this hilarious line about how powerful his hairspray is. It would still be memorable if it was just a throwaway line, but it comes back right at the episode’s conclusion. The spray is so powerful it can freeze Nanatoo’s deadly needles right in mid-air, allowing them to break the curse.

#13: Household Dust

“The Thick of It” (2005-12)

It’s an almost impossible task to pick just one Malcolm Tucker quote as your favourite. Any fans of this series probably imagine him like a devil on their shoulder, whispering savage one-liners into their ears whenever they're slightly angry. In the early series, he was more of a supporting character, but as time went on he became the star of the show. We think this line from the first episode of series three might be our favourite bit, with Tucker comparing a minister to dust. We feel Tucker has so many iconic lines that everyone’s favourite will be different, so why don’t you drop a comment and let us know yours?

#12: If It Ain't Broke

“Peep Show” (2003-15)

The series four episode “Handyman” features Jeremy becoming exactly what the name suggests. Along the way, Mark decides to have an affair, so he uses Jeremy’s new boss's house to do the dirty deed. Right as it’s about to begin, Mark starts getting cold feet, so to try and get out of it, he drops this unforgettable one-liner. It might be the most British line we’ve ever heard coming out of his mouth, and it feels like something everyone on the Isles can relate to. In the end, Mark’s words of wisdom turned out to be awful, as proven by the catastrophic wedding we saw in the season 4 final.

#11: Crabtree’s Investigation

“‘Allo ‘Allo” (1982-92)

This series ran for 85 episodes, with each one featuring top-tier writing. Every character stands out remarkably well as they’re all so brilliantly written. Everyone has their favourite, but we think it’s Officer Crabtree, introduced in series 2, who has the funniest lines. The character’s a British agent pretending to be a gendarme. It’s set in France, so it’s implied they’re all originally speaking French, but it’s a British TV show so they all speak English. This means Crabtree frequently messes up his lines to represent his poor grasp of French. The result is tons of funny moments, but this one when he was simply passing by stands out as our favourite.

#9: Keith’s Weaknesses

“The Office” (2001-03)

As one of the most influential TV sitcoms in global history, it’s teeming with iconic characters and top-tier dialogue. While he’s not a main character, we believe Keith to be the greatest best at delivering some of its greatest jokes, all with a completely straight face. Many of these moments come in the breakroom, but we think his appraisal might be the peak of Keith. He does a monumentally lazy job at filling in his form, resulting in an infuriating exchange for David Brent. The scene is full of hilarious lines, but his weaknesses stick out the most to us.

#8: E.C Cochran

“Dad’s Army” (1968-77)

This series is yet another loaded with punchy lines that can instantly send our sides straight into orbit. Unfortunately, many of them are catchphrases, so they don’t qualify for our list. The show has a massive cast of core characters, all of them timelessly hilarious. Captain Mainwaring leads them all, and he may be the most memorable of the bunch. The quip from him we think takes the cake is his made-up proverb, attributed to the completely fictional E.C Cochran. It’s a great spin on classic inspirational quotes, except with a cynical British spin twist.

#7: Wafer Thin Ham

“The Royle Family” (1998-2012)

This series is one of many focused around a quirky working-class family. We get to see three generations of the Royle family, with the couple Jim and Barbara being the primary two characters. One episode shows their son Antony bringing his new girlfriend home with him. The humour comes from the rest of the family trying their best to be kind, but instead making her nothing but uncomfortable. The greatest line from this interaction comes from Nana when she offers her a slice of meat, showing little to no understanding about what a vegetarian is.

#6: Your Brain

“Fawlty Towers” (1975-79)

Despite only being 12 episodes long, there are few shows more quotable in the UK than this one. It’s arguably John Cleese at his best, with him and his wife Connie Booth doing a stupendous job creating it. Many of the best one-liners often come from arguments between Cleese and his wife, Sybil. Our favourite comes from the episode “Communication Problems,” where Basil deals with one of many guests from hell. We’re talking about Mrs Richards, who has terrible hearing. After potentially damaging her ears further, he decides to hurl this line at her, so funny you can even spot Joan Sanderson struggling to stifle a laugh.

#5: He’s Not the Messiah

“Monty Python’s Life of Brian” (1979)

We wouldn’t get away with writing this list and not including a single moment from Monty Python. There’s an overwhelming selection of lines to choose from, especially in their controversial satire of religion, “Life of Brian.” The side characters are a highlight, with Pontius Pilate having some of the funniest scenes. To us, the show is stolen by Terry Jones’s as Mandy, Brian’s mum. Almost every single line of hers is gold, but this has to be the most memorable. It’s such a cherished piece of dialogue it even became the name of a later oratorio version of the movie.

#4: What Does That Sign Say?

“Gavin & Stacey” (2007-24)

Like most of the entries on our list, this series about two families from Wales and Essex coming together is one of the UK’s most culturally significant. It’s also got some of the best dialogue in sitcom history, with Ness often getting the best lines. We love every single celebrity mention of hers, or when someone makes up an exaggerated story that turns out to be true. Out of all these moments, we laughed the hardest when she used the arcade’s Welsh sign to scare off a group of lads trying to break the machines. For those this curious, the Welsh translates to “don’t touch the machines,” which you can probably guess, but it’s her delivery that makes it so comical.

#3: Sticky the Stick Insect

“Blackadder Goes Forth” (1989)

“Major Star” is one of the greatest episodes of TV in British history, which you can say about almost every instalment of “Blackadder.” It's best because pieces of dialogue are usually ridiculously stupid plans proposed by Baldrick, or Blackadder’s savage responses to those plans. This line instead comes from Blackadder getting himself into a messy scenario. He’s been getting Lieutenant George to dress up as a lady for his stage show, but Melchett becomes infatuated by George in drag. When George leaves, the play is cancelled, and we’re met with this top-quality line of dialogue as Blackadder tries to think up a way out of the debacle.

#2: Your Mother Was a Hamster

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail” (1975)

Out of all the one-liners in the Pythons’ career, we feel like none have been referenced as much as the French taunters. The line was even translated into the constructed language Valyrian, then used in “Game of Thrones.” Countless pieces of fantasy media reference it, from video games like “The Witcher 3” to books and series. It’s so popular we can imagine people who’ve never seen “Holy Grail” learning about it due to how often it’s referenced. Is this your favourite line from their absurd medieval comedy, or does a different moment stick out to you more?

#1: The Doors

“The Italian Job” (1969)

Figuring out what the most quoted singular line from a British film or show is an impossible task. We suspect if we went on the street and started asking people, many of them would quote Michael Caine’s character in this legendary 60s heist movie. One poll even showed Britain thought it was the third best quote in cinema history, topped only by American movies “The Terminator” and “Apollo 13.” While it is a sidesplitting moment, it’s not even the best part of the movie. That has to go to the final chase scene, which has been parodied and referenced to death since 1969.

Are you a fan of all these one-liners, and were there any you thought should’ve made our list today? Let us know down in the comments section!

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