Top 10 Broadway Songs You Can't Sing In Public

Top 10 Broadway Songs You Can't Sing Public

Welcome to MsMojo, and today we’re counting down our picks for the Top 10 Broadway Songs You Can’t Sing in Public.

For this list, we’ll be looking at the best musical theater numbers that might give confused or alarmed passers-by the wrong impression, especially out of context.

What Broadway song would make you give someone serious side-eye if you heard it in public? Let us know in the comments.

#10: “Dead Girl Walking”
“Heathers: The Musical”

Ahead of her anticipated social culling at the hands of Heather Chandler, Veronica finds herself a little bit lost. So this “Dead Girl Walking” decides that she’ll have a bit of J.D. for her last meal. She goes into his room and it is on. The repeated “Dead Girl Walking” lyric might get you a few worried side-glances. But people will likely full-on back away if you sing some of the more suggestive lyrics. We know that this song is “Big Fun.” But there’s a time and place to belt alongside Veronica, and walking down the street or at your local 7/11 probably isn’t it.

#9: “My Unfortunate Erection (Chip’s Lament)”
“The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee”

Chip stiffens up while flexing his big…vocabulary. He gets so distracted that he fails to spell “tittup,” and becomes the first contestant eliminated. Sentenced to sell refreshments as a result, he reflects upon how a former spelling-bee champion became a disgraced snack-seller. It’s quite a melodramatic monologue, as he blames adolescence for his fall from grace. Unless you’re an angry teen – or even if you are one – you probably don’t want to get caught singing about your hard candy in public. If you can’t get this song out of your head, you’re probably better off just humming along.

#8: “A Call from the Vatican”
“Nine”

Despite the song’s title, there’s nothing holy about it. “A Call from the Vatican” is a cover-up Guido uses when his mistress, Carla, calls. He gets all hot and heavy as she explicitly describes what she plans to do to him when they get together. Singing about kissing toes and blowing in ears might get you some funny looks if you’re in a crowded area. Follow that up with verbs like “steam,” “scream,” “vibrate,” and “plucking,” and you might find that people give you a wide berth and plenty of side-eye. Let’s just say there’s a reason Guido needs privacy for this conversation.

#7: “Contact”
“Rent”

While Carla’s phone call focuses more on the male fantasy, this song from “Rent” describes a grittier interaction. Sung by the cast, “Contact” features a compilation of expressive words that one might use to describe intimate bedroom activities. So chanting along while on a packed bus, during your weekly shop, or even waiting in line for coffee is highly inadvisable. Can you imagine the look on the barista’s face if they asked how you like your coffee, and you absent-mindedly responded with “hot-hot-hot-sweat-sweet”? Also, if you start bawling following the song’s tragic end, you’re likely to garner even more stares from concerned passers-by.

#6: “A Little Priest”
“Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”

“Sweeney Todd” is a pretty well-known musical, thanks in part to the 2007 film. However, you have to admit that “A Little Priest” out of context could come across as, well, creepy. For those who aren’t as well-versed in Sondheim classics, it might sound more like you’re reading from the world’s worst restaurant’s menu. And in a way, you are. You also lose out on the humor without the full performance anyway. That being said, lyrics like “Here’s the politician, so oily” might earn you a few chortles from an unexpected audience. Still, it’s better if you appreciate this song out of the earshot of others.

#5: “Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch Me”
“The Rocky Horror Show”

We know you’ve been waiting for this one. After a steamy night of infidelity, Janet’s sexual appetite has been unlocked, and she wants more. Magenta and Columbia eerily watch on as she pursues Rocky. While several of the lyrics might be considered R-rated, you don’t really need to go too far beyond the title to understand why this song is not safe for work. You certainly don’t want to be caught singing “Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch-A-Touch Me” around strangers. Breathily shouting “more, more, more” isn’t going to win you any favors either. This number is probably best kept for the privacy of your own home, or a Halloween “Rocky Horror” screening, because then you can go all out.

#4: “Totally F****ed”
“Spring Awakening”

In a show about teenage angst, you’ll understandably find several songs that are best kept on the down-low. For instance, “My Junk” discusses self-discovery and raging hormones, while “Touch Me” details desires and fantasies. However, the song we'd feel most awkward singing aloud is “Totally F’d,” in which Melchior expresses indignation over his powerlessness against the adults. Feeling angry or rebellious, and don’t mind a few disapproving glances over your repetitive use of expletives? Then this is your tune. Although, who wouldn’t get a kick out of watching people react as you scream “blah blah blah” at the top of your lungs? It might be funny, but we definitely wouldn’t recommend trying it.

#3: “The Internet Is for Porn”
“Avenue Q”

You probably don’t want to sing about how “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist” within earshot of others, or announce that you’re “Not Wearing Underwear Today.” “Special” is another song that’s probably best kept to yourself. We also don’t think that anyone wants to hear that they “Can Be As Loud as the Hell [They] Want” from a stranger. But just picture the startled looks you’d get if you started spewing lyrics about honking horns and double-clicking. “The Internet Is for Porn” is undeniably one of the funniest and catchiest songs on the “Avenue Q” soundtrack, and it’s hard to resist joining in. However, much like the activity described in the song, this one is to be enjoyed privately.

#2: “Springtime for Hitler”
“The Producers”

Featuring in the musical-within-the-musical, this dark comedic number is rather captivating, and has plenty of witty lines. Although musical lovers know that the humor is all tongue-in-cheek, this song could rightfully be deemed insanely offensive out of context. It is, after all, a “love letter” to the Führer. So, if you catch yourself singing it in public, just expect to see a sea of faces quite like the ones you see here, staring back at you. It’s “shocking, outrageous, and insulting,” and although you might enjoy singing along because you know it’s not real, not everyone will enjoy hearing it.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few honorable mentions.

“Big Spender”, “Sweet Charity”
You Probably Don’t Want to Extend This Invitation to Strangers

“Where Is the Life That Late I Led?”, “Kiss Me, Kate”
Petruchio Wistfully Longs for His Bachelor Life

“Bring On the Men”, “Jekyll & Hyde”
It’s Probably Best Not to Belt About Your “Healthy Appetite” Around Random Folks

“Creepy Old Guy”, “Beetlejuice”
It’s All There in the Title

“Poison in My Pocket”, “A Gentleman's Guide to Love & Murder”
People Might Worry if They Hear You Singing About Fatal Scheming

#1: “Hasa Diga Eebowai”
“The Book of Mormon”

Yes, we know what you’re thinking; practically the entirety of “The Book of Mormon” belongs on this list. Indeed, “Spooky Mormon Hell Dream,” for instance, is definitely not appropriate. However, we all know that the song we left the theater singing even though we shouldn’t was “Hasa Diga Eebowai.” There’s just something about the premise of a Disney-esque number with such an unexpectedly dark turn that appeals to audiences. But it could come across as downright offensive for those not in the know. In those instances, we’d suggest you “throw [your] hands to the sky” and say “Ha—kuna Matata” instead, at least while singing in public.