Top 10 Worst Things Larry David Has Done

“The Black Swan”
To Larry’s credit, it was self-defense! When golfing with his crew, LD is charged at and attacked by a glamorous– though quite threatening– black swan. He fires back, and wards him off with his club to a tragic, feathery end. He rallies his friends to plead ignorance to Mr. Takahashi, the golf resort’s owner and, more importantly, the proud owner of the black swan. While we know that Larry is no stranger to telling lies to get out of tough situations, his commitment to concealing the truth about the swan is certainly one of his most heartless misdoings.

“The Surrogate”
Even when he tries to do the right thing, Larry ends up massively messing up people’s lives. At a friend’s baby shower, he brings a gift for the baby’s surrogate in an intended act of kindness. While striking up a conversation with her, he unwisely mentions how challenging it is to have a child for another family. What was meant to be harmless chit-chat– though totally inappropriate– ends up ultimately shifting the surrogate’s perspective on the situation, and she decides to keep the child for herself. Only Larry David could tear apart a family with small talk!

Various
Larry and Loretta’s romance was certainly a whirlwind one– but in classic “Curb Your Enthusiasm” style, it obviously has to crash and burn in the most painfully cringe-inducing manner possible. Shortly after beginning to date, Loretta falls sick and awaits a potential cancer diagnosis. Larry doesn’t want to continue their relationship given her illness, but thinks that breaking up with her is a bad look. Which, obviously, it is. But instead of being honest with her– c’mon, would Larry ever just tell the truth? – he becomes a terrible partner to Loretta, so that she’ll break up with him on the grounds of being toxic instead. And whether he was faking it or not, that’s pretty darn toxic!

“Kamikaze Bingo”
Larry David clearly has no trouble speaking his mind– even to near-fatal ends. While at dinner, his friend Yoshi mentions that his father was a Kamikaze pilot during World War II. Of course, Larry can’t let that comment slide without severe interrogation– arguing that calling his father a Kamikaze pilot implies that he didn’t survive. Yoshi is so deeply affected by these comments that he attempts to take his own life. When Larry hears the news at his poker game, he doesn’t want to stop playing since there’s a pizza on the way. Ice cold, Lar.

“The Seder”
This one crosses way too many lines. After learning that Rick, a criminal offender, has moved into his neighborhood, Larry’s main concern is that the man is bald– which reflects poorly on the community at large. He goes as far as to befriend the criminal after bonding over their shared love of golf, and invites him as his guest to his family’s seder dinner– yikes. Naturally, Cheryl completely freaks out when he tells her, as he claims that he’s “cool.” Ultimately, it turns out that Rick’s crimes were actually pretty benign. But at the end of the day, we know Larry was only in it to improve his golf swing– despite who would be affected by his careless invitation.

Various
Oh, the saga of Larry David and Richard Lewis’ kidneys. Lewis, one of Larry’s oldest, dearest friends, is in need of a transplant as he’s developed kidney disease. After learning that he’s a match and eligible to donate his own, Larry goes to the ends of the earth to avoid doing so. In what is potentially his grandest ruse, he pretends to practice Orthodox Judaism on a weekend trip with a surgeon– who he manipulatively befriended in order to get Lewis to the top of the transplant list. Larry eventually has no choice but to donate his kidney– but boy, did he fight to the bitter end!

“The Group”
How the real Larry David even thinks up these preposterous acts is beyond us! In “The Group,” Larry accompanies his ex-girlfriend Lucy to a group therapy session specifically for people who have survived abuse from members of their families. Larry gives the group a fake name, and shares a made-up story to pretend to be a survivor himself. Just in case that wasn’t bad enough, he tells Lucy that the experience that she shared in the meeting didn’t “count,” as the perpetrator was her step-father, not her actual father. We really don’t know how Larry gets away with saying and doing such terrible things– but that’s “Curb” for you!

“The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial”
Larry’s behavior never changes– even at funerals, or when handling the delicate topic of death. Somehow, these incidents always involve the poor Funkhouser family. He takes a golf club out of Leo Funkhouser’s casket during the service (xref), and completely ruins Kenny Funkhouser’s funeral by shouting “fatwa!” and causing everyone to scatter (xref). But arguably the worst offense of all, is Larry taking flowers from Ida Funkhouser’s memorial and giving them to his wife Cheryl and his guest Loretta. While many of Larry’s dirty deeds have some sort of silver lining or explanation, this one is just plain wrong!

“Denise Handicap”
Larry will often go to extreme lengths to prove that he’s a good person– only to become a much more horrible person in the process. In this episode, Larry meets a woman named Denise who he hits it off with, and begins to date. However, he begins to exploit his relationship with her to appear noble in front of others. So when he accidentally loses Denise’s phone number, he asks out the next woman he can find who happens to use a wheelchair. This leads to an extremely uncomfortable final confrontation, where Larry’s punishment comes in the form of… Rosie O’Donnell.

Before we unveil our top pick, here are a few dishonorable mentions.

The Tombstone Typo, “Beloved Aunt”
Larry Accidentally Misspells “Aunt” With a “C” ... Yeah.

Cheryl’s Goodbye, “The TiVo Guy”
Choosing Your TV Repairman Over Your Wife Will Never Be the Right Call– Literally

The Lemonade Stand, “Officer Krupke”
Who Asks for a Refund From a Childrens’ Lemonade Stand?

“The Mormon Advantage”
This inconceivable act comes from one of the most recent seasons of “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” proving that Larry truly, truly never learns. After stepping in dog droppings on his way to an event, Larry disposes of his current pair of shoes and arrives barefoot. He happens to be headed to a Holocaust museum, and it just so happens to begin to rain when he arrives. While the guests file out, Larry does the unthinkable: he steals a pair of shoes from one of the museum’s exhibits, and he gleefully tap dances away. Larry David might just be the most twisted man in showbusiness… but that’s why we love him.

Are you on Larry’s side for any of these moments? Let us know in the comments!