10- You tell him to “sit” and he tells you to “eat it”

9- Only time he kisses you is after he drinks from the toilet

8- His favorite chew toy is your iPhone

7- Leaves a dead bird in your slipper with a note reading “You’re next”

6- Convinces Leona Hemsley’s dog to evict you from your apartment

5- You dragged him all the way to New York City to preform some dumb trick on the Late Show

4- He gnawed a soup bone into a shiv

3- No number 3- writer shot by his dog

2- Leaves you to go live with Michael Vick

1- He paid Bob Barker $100 to neuter you

According to ‘Late Show with David Letterman’ on www.cbs.com

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